Thursday, October 24, 2013

Do you appreciate all of those moments?

This morning it was a tad chilly in our house because we have not turned on our heat yet for the season. So I went and grabbed Holden out of his crib and put him into bed with Travis & I to snuggle.
While he snuggles with us often in the mornings, he's not always the most affectionate. He often wants to just watch TV or starts telling me to get up and it's time to cook breakfast!  Ha!
But this morning as we laid there, he sat up and then laid his body across mine. So that his head was on my chest, and he could stare directly into my eyes. And, he held my hand while I rubbed his head. He just kept looking into my eyes and smiling. Then, he wrapped his arms around my neck and just laid there for a long while.
It was so hard to leave that sweet moment and get ready for work.
Adoptive moms know the weight of that moment. To know your child has bonded with you. Completely, without reservations.
I appreciated that moment so much. I am thankful everyday for my son, but this morning, I was even more.

Wednesday, August 21, 2013


Dear Readers,
 Tomorrow my husband and I and our son, Holden go to court to finalize the adoption we began nearly three years ago. Tomorrow our son becomes a US citizen.
 It is a day we have been waiting on for a very long time.
 I hope you enjoy this post. It is filled with giddy, raw, full love.

I'm not sure where I was or what I was doing nearly three years ago tonight.
But, I am sure I was daydreaming about my future baby.
I am sure I was longing for he or she to be in my arms. Picturing myself with a child pressed against my chest, as I caressed wispy locks of hair out of sleepy little eyes.

Fast forward.

This dream came true.

Just tonight, I held a baby in my arms. I rocked him, and brushed the hair out of his eyes just before bed.
I pressed him against my chest, and breathed in his sweet little boy smell. I watched his eyes open and close, open and close. I just wondered what his little busy mind must be thinking.

And since I couldn't be sure, I told him what was on mine.

I told him tomorrow is the day. A day for big and grand things to happen.
I told him tomorrow, it all comes together. Three years in the making.
I told him that tomorrow is HIS day. He adoption becomes FINAL.
And, I kissed his plump, juicy lips. Over and over and over again.
And, like I always do, I told him I loved him. But, this time I added:

"I love Holden. Forever and ever and ever."

He giggled and giggled. I repeated the phrase a few more times.

I told him good night and started to walk out the door.

Just as I stepped out of the doorway he said...

", Appa, ever, forever ever. Goodnight, Omma."

And, that folks, says it all.

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Our Adoption Story...Holden's Story.

If you'd like, take a few minutes to watch this beautiful video my husband so graciously put together. It is the story of our adoption journey. It is a story of waiting, the story of love. We ARE the luckiest...


Thursday, May 16, 2013

Six Months!!! :)

On Saturday Holden has been home for 6 months. Time. Has. Flown.
I say he's been home because I mean just that.

While he's lived in several different houses, been cared for by many different people, he wasn't home until last November.

It is really hard to put into words the sheer joy Holden brings into our lives. I often feel like I crave him and his love. He's more addictive each day. His smile, his laugh! His sense of humor will change your life!

In a few short weeks Holden's adoption will be finalized in the Kentucky courts. And he will be "legally" be ours forever and ever!!

So to celebrate in this blog, I'll write a simple poem. I love you Holden.

You are the brightest light I have ever known.
You are comfort.
You are chubby sweet and baby smells.
You will be my grandest accomplishment as I grow old.
You are proof that dreams do come true.
You are a testament that patience pays 1,000 fold.
You are Omma & Appa's heart song.
You are the one I never want to put down. And the one I can't wait to pick up.
You are my Christmas morning over and over again.
You are the reason I fight for.
You are the reason I learn more.
You are a happy I've never known.
You are a lesson in love for our whole family.
And you, my son, are loved beyond measure. Beyond the depths of every ocean, beyond the limitlessness of every sky, beyond the vastness of every canyon... You are.
Happy 6 months home baby. Welcome to forever, love.

Monday, March 11, 2013

110 days of you...

Our blog just hit over 4,500 page views! I love that our story is helping people learn about adoption. :) Holden has been home almost 4 months today...110 days to be exact. And, in Korean culture they celebrate a baby's first 100 days much like a birthday or special occassion of life. While the past 110 days were not Holden's first, they were his first with us. And his Dad and I feel like that's reason to celebrate! We took him out to eat Korean food on Saturday. He greedily stuffed his mouth with rice and seaweed. He ate kimchi with a passion. And, he relished in all the attention from onlookers. All the young Korean ladies typically give him lots of "ohhs" and "ahhs", which he soaks in with a wink and a smile back. I sat there and watched him eat. Sipping on my wine, I said a silent toast in my head. Or maybe it was more in my heart. It went something like this... 110 days have gone by since I touched your face for the first time in an airport in San Fransico. I was so careful and reserved that first day of life with you in it. Careful not to overwhlem you or make you sad. Careful to comfort you, and make you feel better in your sadness and grieving. And, it is only now as I look back on the first days together, that I can see how sad you really were. Now that I know your happy nature, I can see that you were so confused that day, yet you tried to laugh and smile and make your new parents happy too. That's the kind of boy you are. Loving and fun, happy and full of charm. Even though we were strangers, our need ase each other was there. I can't remember the last moment I felt like I didn't know you. I think it all ended that day. Something that felt new and scary quickly turned into the greatest love story of my life. And I thank God each and everyday for you. For making you for your Daddy and I. For making you perfect for us. A lifetime of thanks isnt enough for your amazing gift to us. Even when the road gets twisted, and days get tough, we are loving you Holden. Forever and ever.

Saturday, February 9, 2013

A love letter for you on your 2nd birthday from your Umma

Dearest Holden,

This weekend you turned two years old. 
You got up by yourself this morning, and didnt wake Umma and Appa. Instead, you played with your toys all by yourself. A sign you are already growing up. 

When I look at your face, I see the years ahead of you. And, I see the years it took to make you mine. 
When I see your eyes smile when you laugh, I feel a explosion in my heart. Like tiny fireworks bouncing around, burning with the flame of love. 

When I watch you play and discover something new, I feel refreshed with my own sense of wonder. You help me remember what's important in life, and what isn't. 

When I see you share and use your manners, I am reminded of how much your foster mother must have cared about you. I am reminded of the very important role she played in your very early life. And, I am thankful. 

When I watch you sleep, I stare at your beautiful, full lips and supple skin.I brush my fingers through your gorgeous, thick black hair. And, I thank God. I thank him for making you, just for me. Perfect, precious, breathtaking you. 

When I see you love, I am in awe. You hug, you kiss, you give and you understand hurt. 

Baby boy, you are truly wonderful. You are the joy of your Umma and Appa's days. We will never take your love for granted. For the rest of our lives, we will show you how much you are much you are loved. How you were a long-awaited wish come true. I can't wait for you to read this letter one day. 
I love you. 

Happy Birthday Holden Jae-Min Hubbard. 

Friday, January 4, 2013

Can't believe it's almost over!!!

In just over 2 weeks, Holden and I will re-enter the "real" world.
I will go back to work, and he will start preschool!

This means, he has been home for just over 6 weeks! I often look at him and wonder, "hasn't he been with me forever?"

Holden is growing and changing so much. He has several English words he uses now including:
-Uh oh
-night night

He is really into mimicking what we do right now. If we take a deep breath, so does he. If we yawn, he does too! It is pretty hilarious. He is also a tremendous FLIRT! He prefers old men and young girls! HAHA!

And, now here comes my "mommy" moment.

While I am thrilled for him to start school, I worry. I have a very protective nature toward him for many reasons. Because I am his mother, I want to hold him close and protect him always. It will be so hard for me to drop him off for 9 hours a day since we've been spending nearly every minute of every day as a couple.

As promised to myself in my New Year's resolution, I'm looking at this positively though. I think school will help him mature a little. He will gain patience, social exploration and a sense of self. But, I still hope he misses his Umma, cause I am going to miss him more than I can explain.

You know, everyone told me I would forget how long the wait was for him to come home was. People said, it would be a distant memory. But, all along I knew I would never forget.

I still think back to 2 months ago all the time. And, I remember how much it hurt to think about him, cause we didn't know when we would get the call that he would be joining his forever family.

I had bad dreams nearly every night leading up to that call. I lost 10 pounds, and had headaches all the time.

Then the call came, and he was home.

Sure, we are dealing with a new set of challenges now. Toddler fits, bedtime woes and busy, busy boy stuff!!

But, I won't ever forget how hard it was to wait for him. I can't ever forget that sense of longing and love. The pain was overwhelming. However, as a result, my soul already had a place for Holden.

Almost like a tiny, soft net laced into my heart, just waiting for him to rest there. Now my heart feels full. Sometimes, I'm sure I feel it swelling with love. It is so exciting, and breathtaking. It does make me wonder if Holden really was made just for us.

And, I wonder, does every parent feel this lucky? I will never take this blessing for granted. EVERY bit of it was worth it.