Sunday, July 31, 2011

Sunday moods...

Well, the week is getting ready to start again.
And, I want more time off of work. :)

I have spent this day with my wonderful, loving husband seeing a movie, going to lunch and grilling out on our deck. Perfect if you ask me. Yet, during this time I know we should be ENJOYING each other...something still haunts my mind. It never leaves me alone. What will become of this adoption?

I don't want to sound like I am complaining. And, Travis will probably ask me why I made this post, but some days it just hits me in the face. SMACK. And, on those days, it hurts pretty badly. And so what? Maybe I am complaining a little. I have the right, right?

The unknowns are immensly painful and frustrating. And, for the first time this week, I felt myself not even wanting to deal with it anymore. The desire to walk away from the fear, pain and heartache entered my mind. And, then I had immediate regret. Of course, I really don't want to walk away from it.
We have put up a fight. And, a good one at that.

Just writing in this blog makes me feel a little better sometimes. Venting is good for the soul.

Korea sent us our monthly update for August with no real new news to report. We are still pulled between staying on the Korean waiting list or going with a domestic adoption which offers it's own set of problems and uncontrolled outcomes.

The only thing that really keeps us going are these:
1) The belief that when it is all said and done, the love we will have developed for this child will be exsplosive and unmeasurable. That this child will have the BEST life possible with us for it's parents.
2) The picture of our parents holding, playing with and smiling at the baby. Grandparents in love with a child that didn't come from their blood line, but instead from love. From hopes, from waiting, from wanting.

Now, I need to kick myself into shape and get in a better mood. SHARK WEEK kicks off in less than two hours!!!!


Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Big changes, big heartbreaks...and exhaustion.

Just this week I was telling my soon to be sister-n-law, Lindsay, that Travis and I might get a picture of our baby by their wedding.
Happily, Lindsay said, "Oh, yes! You can wrap it up and give it to us for our wedding gift!"
I love Lindsay. She is always so excited and genuine when it comes to matters of the heart.

Little did I know that 48 hours later our adoption agency on the Korean side would break the news that Korea has all but run out of EPs for this year. And, once they resume in Jan. 2012, the babies that will be coming home to the USA will no longer be babies, but infact 18 months to 2 years old.

You must understand that when we signed onto this program nearly 9 months ago, we were told to expect a BABY around the age of 9 to 12 months. Then, we were told if we were open to a boy, we would have to wait less time. So, of course, we said yes! Bring on the boy!

Then, about three months ago, Korea uped the age to 12 to 14 months...and our hearts jumped a bit. Yes, we could still bond, but 14 months was pushing it for what we were comfortable with for now.

Then, Korea decided to do this. WHHHHYYYYYYYYYYY????!!!!!!

All of those precious babies are just WAITING for a mother and father. Just waiting for a forever family. And, yes, they are being cared for by a foster mother and father, but it has to be hard on those temporary parents as well.

We desire to cuddle a little one. We know we can cuddle a toddler too, but we want to see first steps, first words and other firsts. It is a personal choice, and it is ours to make. We welcome words of support and those who say "you can still baby a toddler", but only Travis and I can make our choices. And, there is not right or wrong choice.

My whole life I have asked "Why?" to so many things. I always want to know the background, reasons and solutions so I can change or "fix" a problem. Or at least understand.

However, why is not getting answered for us right now. And, it may never. The Korean gov. has complete control over this. And, I have no control over it. Travis has not control over it. The only control we have is to accept this or move on to another option (domestic adoption).

We are halfway through this process. Our hearts are embedded in the picture of love we have created. We have researched the Korean culture, befriended Korean kids and parents, and educated our families. We have been to many baby showers, and witnessed new life coming into the world over the past year. And, we were just so excited to be expecting our own new life!!! SO EXCITED!

And, now, we are crushed. You must understand that the desire to adopt a baby, and the desire to adopt a toddler are different. And, for us, it is something we need to really think through.

Travis and I are each's other biggest fans. I pray our love and friendship will carry us through all of these unbelievable times. I also know that we have spent the better part of the last two nights with the TV off staring into the distance, no words spoken. Just numbness.

I pray to God, the heavens, my passed loved ones...and whoever will listen to guide us to clarity. Help us make the right choice.

Trying to be a parent shouldn't be this hard.