110 days of you...

Our blog just hit over 4,500 page views! I love that our story is helping people learn about adoption. :) Holden has been home almost 4 months today...110 days to be exact. And, in Korean culture they celebrate a baby's first 100 days much like a birthday or special occassion of life. While the past 110 days were not Holden's first, they were his first with us. And his Dad and I feel like that's reason to celebrate! We took him out to eat Korean food on Saturday. He greedily stuffed his mouth with rice and seaweed. He ate kimchi with a passion. And, he relished in all the attention from onlookers. All the young Korean ladies typically give him lots of "ohhs" and "ahhs", which he soaks in with a wink and a smile back. I sat there and watched him eat. Sipping on my wine, I said a silent toast in my head. Or maybe it was more in my heart. It went something like this... 110 days have gone by since I touched your face for the first time in an airport in San Fransico. I was so careful and reserved that first day of life with you in it. Careful not to overwhlem you or make you sad. Careful to comfort you, and make you feel better in your sadness and grieving. And, it is only now as I look back on the first days together, that I can see how sad you really were. Now that I know your happy nature, I can see that you were so confused that day, yet you tried to laugh and smile and make your new parents happy too. That's the kind of boy you are. Loving and fun, happy and full of charm. Even though we were strangers, our need ase each other was there. I can't remember the last moment I felt like I didn't know you. I think it all ended that day. Something that felt new and scary quickly turned into the greatest love story of my life. And I thank God each and everyday for you. For making you for your Daddy and I. For making you perfect for us. A lifetime of thanks isnt enough for your amazing gift to us. Even when the road gets twisted, and days get tough, we are loving you Holden. Forever and ever.

A love letter for you on your 2nd birthday from your Umma

Dearest Holden,

This weekend you turned two years old. 

You got up by yourself this morning, and didnt wake Umma and Appa. Instead, you played with your toys all by yourself. A sign you are already growing up. 

When I look at your face, I see the years ahead of you. And, I see the years it took to make you mine. 

When I see your eyes smile when you laugh, I feel a explosion in my heart. Like tiny fireworks bouncing around, burning with the flame of love. 

When I watch you play and discover something new, I feel refreshed with my own sense of wonder. You help me remember what's important in life, and what isn't. 

When I see you share and use your manners, I am reminded of how much your foster mother must have cared about you. I am reminded of the very important role she played in your very early life. And, I am thankful. 

When I watch you sleep, I stare at your beautiful, full lips and supple skin.I brush my fingers through your gorgeous, thick black hair. And, I thank God. I thank him for making you, just for me. Perfect, precious, breathtaking you. 

When I see you love, I am in awe. You hug, you kiss, you give and you understand hurt. 

Baby boy, you are truly wonderful. You are the joy of your Umma and Appa's days. We will never take your love for granted. For the rest of our lives, we will show you how much you are appreciated...how much you are loved. How you were a long-awaited wish come true. I can't wait for you to read this letter one day. 

I love you. 

Happy Birthday Holden Jae-Min Hubbard. 

Can't believe it's almost over!!!

In just over 2 weeks, Holden and I will re-enter the "real" world.
I will go back to work, and he will start preschool!

This means, he has been home for just over 6 weeks! I often look at him and wonder, "hasn't he been with me forever?"

Holden is growing and changing so much. He has several English words he uses now including:
-No
-Uh oh
-baby
-hot
-night night
-bye
-hi

He is really into mimicking what we do right now. If we take a deep breath, so does he. If we yawn, he does too! It is pretty hilarious. He is also a tremendous FLIRT! He prefers old men and young girls! HAHA!

And, now here comes my "mommy" moment.

While I am thrilled for him to start school, I worry. I have a very protective nature toward him for many reasons. Because I am his mother, I want to hold him close and protect him always. It will be so hard for me to drop him off for 9 hours a day since we've been spending nearly every minute of every day as a couple.

As promised to myself in my New Year's resolution, I'm looking at this positively though. I think school will help him mature a little. He will gain patience, social exploration and a sense of self. But, I still hope he misses his Umma, cause I am going to miss him more than I can explain.

You know, everyone told me I would forget how long the wait was for him to come home was. People said, it would be a distant memory. But, all along I knew I would never forget.

I still think back to 2 months ago all the time. And, I remember how much it hurt to think about him, cause we didn't know when we would get the call that he would be joining his forever family.

I had bad dreams nearly every night leading up to that call. I lost 10 pounds, and had headaches all the time.

Then the call came, and he was home.

Sure, we are dealing with a new set of challenges now. Toddler fits, bedtime woes and busy, busy boy stuff!!

But, I won't ever forget how hard it was to wait for him. I can't ever forget that sense of longing and love. The pain was overwhelming. However, as a result, my soul already had a place for Holden.

Almost like a tiny, soft net laced into my heart, just waiting for him to rest there. Now my heart feels full. Sometimes, I'm sure I feel it swelling with love. It is so exciting, and breathtaking. It does make me wonder if Holden really was made just for us.

And, I wonder, does every parent feel this lucky? I will never take this blessing for granted. EVERY bit of it was worth it.

xoxo,
Sarah

Funny Little Guy

There's only so much you can ever prepare yourself for from letters, written doctor's examinations, pictures, or even videos before meeting your son. Sure, I could see that he was healthy and seemingly outgoing. I knew Holden was pint-sized, had an infectious smile, had thin and wispy hair and was being taken care of by his foster family.

But, in one week, I have learned more than an entire year of reports, videos and pictures could ever illustrate.

Here's a few of my favorites:

--Little Dude is a Susie Homemaker. His favorite thing to do is pretend he's sweeping the floor with the Swiffer. Sarah even gave him his own Tupperware bowl, spatula, sponge and traveler's mug. He'll pretend to mix a concoction in the Tupperware, then "taste" the spatula, then "clean" them all with the sponge. Screw the football or the stuffed animals, he'd just assume play with mommy's "toys." He even turned the Tupperware bowl into a helmet last night. He also has his own cellphone, non-functioning of course. 

--On the other hand, he's an excellent architect. I'm by no means a childhood development expert, but I can't imagine most 21-month-olds can stack wood blocks 12 high. Even more, he'll stack and organize them two-by-two and three-by-three, or he'll separate them by color. And he puts them evenly back in their tray. I imagine he'll be excellent at puzzles. 

--He already figured out how to take the back off the TV remote where the batteries are contained, he can open doors and he even presses the power button on the TV on an off. (Actually, the last one isn't very amusing.) 

--Remember the old plastic cash register from the 70s and 80s that we all had when we were kids? The one with red, yellow and blue coins that slide in slots and come out as change on the side or inside a till drawer as a sale? Sarah still has hers, and Holden has already figured out which slots they go in and how to get them back out. 

--He's pretty independent. Leave your shoes laying out, and he'll put his own feet in them and walk. He likes to put his socks on himself, he brushes his own teeth and loves bath time, just not rinsing his hair when the water gets in his face. He loves to put lotion on his hands and face. He will take the cap off the stick of chapstick, rub the chapstick on his lips, put the cap back on, then repeat the process over and over. 

--He's quickly learned how to give a high-five and fist bump. Last night, he loved clinking his sippy cup with my glass and "cheers." He's a little overzealous and forceful, however. He needs to be more careful or he might break the glass of the person he is toasting. 

--He knows no English, and our Korean is limited to a half dozen words. But he's quickly picked up "Daddy," "No," and  "Thank You." 

--We knew he had a favorite cartoon, "Pororo the Little Penguin" in Korea, but he quickly latched on to "Thomas and Friends." 

--His laugh is adorable. If it weren't true in his case, it would be an awful Asian stereotype, but when he giggles he covers his high-pitched laughter with both hands. 

--His idea of dancing is pivoting in a circle. He also uses his TV remote as a microphone. His musical talents more closely resemble mine than of Sarah's. Enough said. 

--His only difficulties so far have been his clinging to Sarah and his adjustment to a different sleep schedule. But he has the most peculiar sleep habits. He's a thumbsucker, but that's not the weird part. He also tucks his other free hand under his chin. It's always right thumb sucked and left hand tucked. But about half the time he also sleeps in a crouched or crawl position on his knees and belly.

And that's just a snapshot of his uniqueness. I'm sure we'll learn even more about him in the coming weeks, and we look forward to each of you meeting him.

Home & Heart

Well, Holden Jae Hubbard has been home a total of 5 days now. And, yet sometimes it feels like he has been here for months. And, sometimes, just for minutes.

Travis and I can't really put into words the feelings we have had over the past week. What I can tell you is watching my son be strolled out of customs in the San Fran airport was one of the most precious moments of my life. Seeing his sweet, chubby face and whispy hair brought instant tears to me eyes.

The first night in the hotel, I took a risk and asked Holden to give me a "bobo" which is kiss in Korean. And, he looked at me for a minute, and pushed his sweet lips into my face. I was in love.

This week we haven't done much outside of getting up, playing, eating and sleeping. We are trying to keep his world small for a few days. But, tomorrow, he will meet his Grandma and Grandpa Hubbard for the second time. I hope he takes well to the experience. It will be so special.

Holden is a loving, affectionate, funny child. He loves to cuddle and hug. He loves to study things, and put things together. He loves to be nosy and curious. He loves playing outside and playing with blocks. He is VERY smart, and keeps us on our toes!! He also has a little temper when he doesn't get his way!

But perhaps my most favorite thing right now is how he calls my name...he calls me "umma" which means Mommy in Korean. And, I must admit that when I leave the room, and I hear his little voice say "Umma?", my heart melts. I kind of want him to say it a hundred times.

Isn't that a beautiful story?? I mean seriously. I couldn't CARE LESS that my son wasn't born of my stomach. It means so little. What matters is of the heart, and the way he makes me feel. What matters is the way we love him, and the way we make his world so perfect. Goodness, I love him so much.I know there will be hard times, and frustrating times. I know my patience will be tested because it already has. But, there have already been so many wonderful moments.

And, for the rest of my life, I will thank God for this most precious of gifts. That this boy's life and love was given to Travis and I. We are the ones who get this. And, how very special that is.

We love you Holden. And, we can't wait to see the joys you bring to our lives.

The Time Has Come...Holden is Coming Home

For the past two mornings I have awoke to the sun breaking it's light through my window, and into my eyes. 

And just as I try to focus my vision on that perfect light...I remember. Just like a dream you have at night that something happened, but then you wake up and seconds later come to reality. 

I remember, I come to the reality. Our precious prince is coming home. 

The feelings of love I have experienced inside of myself the past few days have humbled me. I am sure now that God gives these feelings to all new mothers. Feelings for your child of deep wonder, protection and love. The gut calling to nurture and know all they are about. To learn the lines in their skin, and the meaning in their cries. To memorize the many looks their eyes can give and discover the many faces they can master and make.  To know in your heart that times are about to be tough. Times are about to be flipped upside down. Times are about to be new and amazing too. 

And, I find myself scared. I find myself asking for patience and peace. I find myself having to push back on our families (who have nothing but love to give) and their eagerness to get to know their grandson, nephew and cousin. Because at first, Holden will need time to just know his new surroundings. He will need a moment to learn his new home, new smells, new sights, and new Mommy and Daddy. 

In short: Holden is a long-awaited dream for Travis & I. And, I know things won't be perfect. I am expecting hard times, and joyous moments. But, I hope in time I can say with complete conviction that I know I was meant to be Holden's Mommy. 

In a short 72 hours, I will touch my son for the first time. I will have our first skin on skin contact since I met him in a picture 13 months ago. I can see the shine of tears glisten in his eyes, and smell him. I can squeeze him, and then pinch myself to make sure this is REAL. His cry will sound like the most beautiful song I have ever heard. His laugh might send me over the edge with happiness. 

Thank you all so much for your support. We know Holden has a lot of friends and family who can't wait to meet him. Something tells me his entire world will be wrapped in layers of love. And, he can peel them back one by one. 

As I close this post, I wanted to share something special. My Mom (Alice) had a dream about Holden nearly a year ago. In the middle of the night, she got up and wrote down the words that came to her. Here they are. I get chills every time I read them. 

"We thought our music had all played out. 
Then, she told us there might be miracle. 
A new song, just born...one we can shout about!
Love has made a lullaby. 
A sweet and beautiful song to our hearts. 
Jae-Min." 

xoxo,
Sarah 

The Things I Never Knew

As we approach Holden's Homecoming date (within the next 38 days to be exact), there are many thoughts that cross my mind. Some that feel good, and overwhelm me with so much emotion. And, some, that still made me sad, stir my soul. And others, I will never forget.

Just over 2 years ago, Travis and I began the adoption process. We filled out a lot of paperwork, paid two $50 fees and asked a few questions regarding adoption domestically and internationally. We went into the process so green. Our spirits were glowing bright with the thoughts of bringing a child into our lives.

We knew we'd just fill out some paperwork, borrow the money we needed, and bring home a babe! SIMPLE AS THAT.

Well, you know what happens next. It was never easy.

From being denied because of my diabetes by several agencies, to being chosen over to another family for the domestic adoption we applied for. From being told we'd bring home a baby from Korea within 4-6 months, to being told it could be 6-8 months. Then, realizing it's going to be more than a year.

From trying to explain why we wanted to adopt (which feels terrible, since you never have to explain why you want to get pregnant!!) to educating our families on adoption. From dealing with petty comments from those who were simply too jealous of us and our happiness to be excited for us, to relishing in happy comments from those true friends who have showered us with positive thoughts.

From dealing with ignorance ( I once had someone tell me they always wanted to bring home a little black baby! REALLY??!) to feeling blessed by those who just "get it." Those who wrote me notes of encouragement, and shared stories of experience. And you WOULD NOT believe the ignorance of some people!!

I honestly NEVER knew how strong I was. I never knew how much $hit I could put up with, and how much spirit was stirring in my soul...ready to fight to protect, love and bring home my child.

Adoption is amazing. Adoption is hard. Adoption is love. Adoption is a vow of strength. Adoption is a mirror to the soul. Adoption is heart. Adoption, next to living with diabetes, is the most challenging thing I have ever done, and nearly completed. And, I am sure, Adoption will be one of the great journeys of my life.
A story who's map will trace the lines of my face, and grow in the heart of my Holden as the years go by. A story that I will be telling for years to come, with depth and soul.

And, as fiercely as we have braved this journey, I know we have many more paths to clear.
Holden will need time to adjust, as will we. But, we pray our souls are in for the matching. And, that our hearts were made for one another.

Our SON will be home in 38 days or less. Oh, the stories we have to tell him. His story is not simple, but it is so beautiful. His story does not begin with a pregnancy, and end with a birth. No.

His story has many pages, chapters and volumes. Some that have already been written, and others that are being told right now. Some pages are still blank, waiting in the wings for the ink to dry.

His life will be that of adventure, variety and history. He will always have a story to tell.

And so will we.

xoxo,
Sarah