For the past two mornings I have awoke to the sun breaking it's light through my window, and into my eyes.
And just as I try to focus my vision on that perfect light...I remember. Just like a dream you have at night that something happened, but then you wake up and seconds later come to reality.
I remember, I come to the reality. Our precious prince is coming home.
The feelings of love I have experienced inside of myself the past few days have humbled me. I am sure now that God gives these feelings to all new mothers. Feelings for your child of deep wonder, protection and love. The gut calling to nurture and know all they are about. To learn the lines in their skin, and the meaning in their cries. To memorize the many looks their eyes can give and discover the many faces they can master and make. To know in your heart that times are about to be tough. Times are about to be flipped upside down. Times are about to be new and amazing too.
And, I find myself scared. I find myself asking for patience and peace. I find myself having to push back on our families (who have nothing but love to give) and their eagerness to get to know their grandson, nephew and cousin. Because at first, Holden will need time to just know his new surroundings. He will need a moment to learn his new home, new smells, new sights, and new Mommy and Daddy.
In short: Holden is a long-awaited dream for Travis & I. And, I know things won't be perfect. I am expecting hard times, and joyous moments. But, I hope in time I can say with complete conviction that I know I was meant to be Holden's Mommy.
In a short 72 hours, I will touch my son for the first time. I will have our first skin on skin contact since I met him in a picture 13 months ago. I can see the shine of tears glisten in his eyes, and smell him. I can squeeze him, and then pinch myself to make sure this is REAL. His cry will sound like the most beautiful song I have ever heard. His laugh might send me over the edge with happiness.
Thank you all so much for your support. We know Holden has a lot of friends and family who can't wait to meet him. Something tells me his entire world will be wrapped in layers of love. And, he can peel them back one by one.
As I close this post, I wanted to share something special. My Mom (Alice) had a dream about Holden nearly a year ago. In the middle of the night, she got up and wrote down the words that came to her. Here they are. I get chills every time I read them.
"We thought our music had all played out.
Then, she told us there might be miracle.
A new song, just born...one we can shout about!
Love has made a lullaby.
A sweet and beautiful song to our hearts.