Funny Little Guy

There's only so much you can ever prepare yourself for from letters, written doctor's examinations, pictures, or even videos before meeting your son. Sure, I could see that he was healthy and seemingly outgoing. I knew Holden was pint-sized, had an infectious smile, had thin and wispy hair and was being taken care of by his foster family.

But, in one week, I have learned more than an entire year of reports, videos and pictures could ever illustrate.

Here's a few of my favorites:

--Little Dude is a Susie Homemaker. His favorite thing to do is pretend he's sweeping the floor with the Swiffer. Sarah even gave him his own Tupperware bowl, spatula, sponge and traveler's mug. He'll pretend to mix a concoction in the Tupperware, then "taste" the spatula, then "clean" them all with the sponge. Screw the football or the stuffed animals, he'd just assume play with mommy's "toys." He even turned the Tupperware bowl into a helmet last night. He also has his own cellphone, non-functioning of course. 

--On the other hand, he's an excellent architect. I'm by no means a childhood development expert, but I can't imagine most 21-month-olds can stack wood blocks 12 high. Even more, he'll stack and organize them two-by-two and three-by-three, or he'll separate them by color. And he puts them evenly back in their tray. I imagine he'll be excellent at puzzles. 

--He already figured out how to take the back off the TV remote where the batteries are contained, he can open doors and he even presses the power button on the TV on an off. (Actually, the last one isn't very amusing.) 

--Remember the old plastic cash register from the 70s and 80s that we all had when we were kids? The one with red, yellow and blue coins that slide in slots and come out as change on the side or inside a till drawer as a sale? Sarah still has hers, and Holden has already figured out which slots they go in and how to get them back out. 

--He's pretty independent. Leave your shoes laying out, and he'll put his own feet in them and walk. He likes to put his socks on himself, he brushes his own teeth and loves bath time, just not rinsing his hair when the water gets in his face. He loves to put lotion on his hands and face. He will take the cap off the stick of chapstick, rub the chapstick on his lips, put the cap back on, then repeat the process over and over. 

--He's quickly learned how to give a high-five and fist bump. Last night, he loved clinking his sippy cup with my glass and "cheers." He's a little overzealous and forceful, however. He needs to be more careful or he might break the glass of the person he is toasting. 

--He knows no English, and our Korean is limited to a half dozen words. But he's quickly picked up "Daddy," "No," and  "Thank You." 

--We knew he had a favorite cartoon, "Pororo the Little Penguin" in Korea, but he quickly latched on to "Thomas and Friends." 

--His laugh is adorable. If it weren't true in his case, it would be an awful Asian stereotype, but when he giggles he covers his high-pitched laughter with both hands. 

--His idea of dancing is pivoting in a circle. He also uses his TV remote as a microphone. His musical talents more closely resemble mine than of Sarah's. Enough said. 

--His only difficulties so far have been his clinging to Sarah and his adjustment to a different sleep schedule. But he has the most peculiar sleep habits. He's a thumbsucker, but that's not the weird part. He also tucks his other free hand under his chin. It's always right thumb sucked and left hand tucked. But about half the time he also sleeps in a crouched or crawl position on his knees and belly.

And that's just a snapshot of his uniqueness. I'm sure we'll learn even more about him in the coming weeks, and we look forward to each of you meeting him.

Home & Heart

Well, Holden Jae Hubbard has been home a total of 5 days now. And, yet sometimes it feels like he has been here for months. And, sometimes, just for minutes.

Travis and I can't really put into words the feelings we have had over the past week. What I can tell you is watching my son be strolled out of customs in the San Fran airport was one of the most precious moments of my life. Seeing his sweet, chubby face and whispy hair brought instant tears to me eyes.

The first night in the hotel, I took a risk and asked Holden to give me a "bobo" which is kiss in Korean. And, he looked at me for a minute, and pushed his sweet lips into my face. I was in love.

This week we haven't done much outside of getting up, playing, eating and sleeping. We are trying to keep his world small for a few days. But, tomorrow, he will meet his Grandma and Grandpa Hubbard for the second time. I hope he takes well to the experience. It will be so special.

Holden is a loving, affectionate, funny child. He loves to cuddle and hug. He loves to study things, and put things together. He loves to be nosy and curious. He loves playing outside and playing with blocks. He is VERY smart, and keeps us on our toes!! He also has a little temper when he doesn't get his way!

But perhaps my most favorite thing right now is how he calls my name...he calls me "umma" which means Mommy in Korean. And, I must admit that when I leave the room, and I hear his little voice say "Umma?", my heart melts. I kind of want him to say it a hundred times.

Isn't that a beautiful story?? I mean seriously. I couldn't CARE LESS that my son wasn't born of my stomach. It means so little. What matters is of the heart, and the way he makes me feel. What matters is the way we love him, and the way we make his world so perfect. Goodness, I love him so much.I know there will be hard times, and frustrating times. I know my patience will be tested because it already has. But, there have already been so many wonderful moments.

And, for the rest of my life, I will thank God for this most precious of gifts. That this boy's life and love was given to Travis and I. We are the ones who get this. And, how very special that is.

We love you Holden. And, we can't wait to see the joys you bring to our lives.

The Time Has Come...Holden is Coming Home

For the past two mornings I have awoke to the sun breaking it's light through my window, and into my eyes. 

And just as I try to focus my vision on that perfect light...I remember. Just like a dream you have at night that something happened, but then you wake up and seconds later come to reality. 

I remember, I come to the reality. Our precious prince is coming home. 

The feelings of love I have experienced inside of myself the past few days have humbled me. I am sure now that God gives these feelings to all new mothers. Feelings for your child of deep wonder, protection and love. The gut calling to nurture and know all they are about. To learn the lines in their skin, and the meaning in their cries. To memorize the many looks their eyes can give and discover the many faces they can master and make.  To know in your heart that times are about to be tough. Times are about to be flipped upside down. Times are about to be new and amazing too. 

And, I find myself scared. I find myself asking for patience and peace. I find myself having to push back on our families (who have nothing but love to give) and their eagerness to get to know their grandson, nephew and cousin. Because at first, Holden will need time to just know his new surroundings. He will need a moment to learn his new home, new smells, new sights, and new Mommy and Daddy. 

In short: Holden is a long-awaited dream for Travis & I. And, I know things won't be perfect. I am expecting hard times, and joyous moments. But, I hope in time I can say with complete conviction that I know I was meant to be Holden's Mommy. 

In a short 72 hours, I will touch my son for the first time. I will have our first skin on skin contact since I met him in a picture 13 months ago. I can see the shine of tears glisten in his eyes, and smell him. I can squeeze him, and then pinch myself to make sure this is REAL. His cry will sound like the most beautiful song I have ever heard. His laugh might send me over the edge with happiness. 

Thank you all so much for your support. We know Holden has a lot of friends and family who can't wait to meet him. Something tells me his entire world will be wrapped in layers of love. And, he can peel them back one by one. 

As I close this post, I wanted to share something special. My Mom (Alice) had a dream about Holden nearly a year ago. In the middle of the night, she got up and wrote down the words that came to her. Here they are. I get chills every time I read them. 

"We thought our music had all played out. 
Then, she told us there might be miracle. 
A new song, just born...one we can shout about!
Love has made a lullaby. 
A sweet and beautiful song to our hearts. 
Jae-Min." 

xoxo,
Sarah 

The Things I Never Knew

As we approach Holden's Homecoming date (within the next 38 days to be exact), there are many thoughts that cross my mind. Some that feel good, and overwhelm me with so much emotion. And, some, that still made me sad, stir my soul. And others, I will never forget.

Just over 2 years ago, Travis and I began the adoption process. We filled out a lot of paperwork, paid two $50 fees and asked a few questions regarding adoption domestically and internationally. We went into the process so green. Our spirits were glowing bright with the thoughts of bringing a child into our lives.

We knew we'd just fill out some paperwork, borrow the money we needed, and bring home a babe! SIMPLE AS THAT.

Well, you know what happens next. It was never easy.

From being denied because of my diabetes by several agencies, to being chosen over to another family for the domestic adoption we applied for. From being told we'd bring home a baby from Korea within 4-6 months, to being told it could be 6-8 months. Then, realizing it's going to be more than a year.

From trying to explain why we wanted to adopt (which feels terrible, since you never have to explain why you want to get pregnant!!) to educating our families on adoption. From dealing with petty comments from those who were simply too jealous of us and our happiness to be excited for us, to relishing in happy comments from those true friends who have showered us with positive thoughts.

From dealing with ignorance ( I once had someone tell me they always wanted to bring home a little black baby! REALLY??!) to feeling blessed by those who just "get it." Those who wrote me notes of encouragement, and shared stories of experience. And you WOULD NOT believe the ignorance of some people!!

I honestly NEVER knew how strong I was. I never knew how much $hit I could put up with, and how much spirit was stirring in my soul...ready to fight to protect, love and bring home my child.

Adoption is amazing. Adoption is hard. Adoption is love. Adoption is a vow of strength. Adoption is a mirror to the soul. Adoption is heart. Adoption, next to living with diabetes, is the most challenging thing I have ever done, and nearly completed. And, I am sure, Adoption will be one of the great journeys of my life.
A story who's map will trace the lines of my face, and grow in the heart of my Holden as the years go by. A story that I will be telling for years to come, with depth and soul.

And, as fiercely as we have braved this journey, I know we have many more paths to clear.
Holden will need time to adjust, as will we. But, we pray our souls are in for the matching. And, that our hearts were made for one another.

Our SON will be home in 38 days or less. Oh, the stories we have to tell him. His story is not simple, but it is so beautiful. His story does not begin with a pregnancy, and end with a birth. No.

His story has many pages, chapters and volumes. Some that have already been written, and others that are being told right now. Some pages are still blank, waiting in the wings for the ink to dry.

His life will be that of adventure, variety and history. He will always have a story to tell.

And so will we.

xoxo,
Sarah

Two years gone by so fast

On Wednesday, I spent my off day volunteering at one of my old stores. I left there to take over my own store in March 2011, but in the last couple months there has been management turnover and they are short-staffed by about 3 bodies.

The new manager there is a close colleague who I highly respect, and with any luck I may soon call him a district colleague again. I'm in a bit of a limbo as I await another opportunity to take over my own store.

But I looked forward to visiting and working with three of the associates I coached and trained two years ago. I was humbled and appreciative of the fact that all three expressed how they missed my guidance and leadership. While I was discouraged for them to currently be going through a difficult time because their leader and my former boss unfortunately neglected them over the last 18 months, I also took it as a compliment that they viewed my departure as the beginning of downturn.

But what made me feel better than anything was the fact they remembered the beginning of our adoption journey. Sarah and I committed to the decision to adopt in September 2010, but it wasn't until spring 2011 we began announcing the decision. But I left this store shortly after in March, about the time we had our home study.

So, it was sincere and thoughtful of them to remember. I was able to show them some pictures of Holden and tell them all about him, and obviously told them he'd be home any day now.

It was also a realization of how long it has been. It doesn't always seem like it's been two years since we began this journey, although when I think about the wait it does seem like it will never finalize. But it seems like two careers ago that I worked across the river in Clarksville.

And it made me realize just how long others have waited, too. Others who may not think about Holden every day, but everyone who thinks about Sarah and I from time to time. We don't appreciate those thoughts daily, but this week I definitely was made aware of that fact. So, thank you all.

And, tonight I'll again go to bed hoping to write on here again tomorrow that I finally get to take that vacation from work I've been dreaming about for over a year.

Another anniversary is approaching...

Oct. 20th will mark one year since we first saw Holden Jae-Min Hubbard's little face.
I was sitting in my preschool class, when my email ring tone beeped away. The title read
"INTERNATIONAL ADOPTION REFERRAL: Pictures and family information."

And, my heart jumped out of my chest.

This isn't an instance where I can say, "man that seems like yesterday." Because it doesn't. That moment seems like forever ago. Almost like it happened in a different world.

I'm sure that is because that moment was so long coming. And, most likely, it is because ever since that moment, we have been waiting for the chubby, round-faced baby to join our family.

The weekend following Oct. 20th of 2011, we met my family at Keeneland to celebrate my birthday. Travis and I wanted to keep Jae-Min a secret until we got his referral checked out by medical professionals, but we already knew.

We knew he was ours when we looked at his pictures over and over that first night. We knew he was ours when we couldn't sit right with the thought of not accepting his referral. Something in my heart hurt at the thought of letting him go.

So, that weekend, we stood in my brother's kitchen before we left for Keeneland. We asked the family to come in and gather around. And, with my heart racing, I listened to Travis tell my Mom, Dad, brother and sister-n-law about our son, their very first grandchild, and nephew.

I think everyone was caught off-guard, and excited all at once. I whipped his picture out on my phone, and showed everyone. Happiness overflowing, we headed to one of my favorite places in the world. And, we drank beer, bet on some ponies and laughed together. But, mostly what I remember from that day, is pulling out my phone every 15 minutes to stare at Holden's pictures...long before he was named Holden. :)

My sister-in-law and I blew his picture up and talked about his cute little smile, and lack of hair. We cooed over his sweet little face. A few days later, we accepted his referral with our agency.

Next weekend, we are meeting my family again at Keeneland for the 2012 Fall Meet. And, again, we will celebrate my birthday. We will drink ourselves into a tizzy, bet like we're rich, and no doubt laugh until our bellies hurt.

And, while we never know what the universe has in store, and we can't predict the future...part of me wonders if God or the powers that be have been waiting too. Maybe waiting until this fun-filled weekend draws near to send world our little man is ready to come home.

Personally, I couldn't think of a more grandiose birthday present.

But, I try not to get too excited, as painful as that can be. Because I don't know when we will get that call.
However, I do know how my heart flutters with the hope in each new day that I might hear the words: "You're son is coming HOME."

I do know how let down we are at the end of each week when we didn't get "the call." And, I do know how important it is to make the most of this time "pre-baby" so that I can be the best mom once he is home.

I'm turning 32 in a week and a half...so many beautiful things to look forward too.

xoxo,
Sarah

It Will All Be Alright

Well, the timeline is official. 

Holden Jae-Min Hubbard's Homecoming will be sometime between the last week of Sept. and mid-Nov. 

And that, makes us want to SCREAM! On one hand, we want to scream "Yay, yay, yay! Our SON could be flying home in less than 2 weeks!" 

On the other hand, we want to scream, "Why, why, oh why can't you give us a more exact date!!!!???!!" 

We are on the final leg of this tour de adoption, and our emotions are in major limbo. I feel like I am going to lose my grits on our adoption agency if they don't start coming through with some more finalized answers. However, I might as well just calm down (or at least try) because that is not going to happen. 

Our adoption agency most likely doesn't exactly know when our son will travel home, until they know. 

So, we keep going through the official list of "This I Know For Sure." 

1) Holden's paperwork is all up-to-date. When the call comes, we are good as gold. 

2) Holden had his Visa Physical before many children in his travel group. ( Not sure if this really matters, but I like to hope in some way it does.) 

3) We believe Holden's foster mother has completed her end of the deal based on the information we have been given. She has to fill out paper work too. 

So, I guess for the next several weeks, I'll wake up hopeful, and linger on that hope all day. And, when the clock strikes 7 p.m. (4 p.m. where our agency is located), I'll know "the call" wasn't coming on that day. 

I'll wallow in limbo, back and forth, back and forth...ready to be a Mom to, shit! I hope I can do this right. 

But, when I come home that night, I'll recharge my heart. 

I'll come to home to my very best friend in the whole entire world. And, we'll cuddle on the couch, and daydream about our boy. We'll remember our old memories together that we've spent 11 years creating. And, I'll hope that those memories will continue. 

Then Travis will tell me I'm just a worrier, and that I'm going to be the best Mom he's ever known. And, that I'll always be his girl. 

How someday soon, Holden will be part of that love too. 

And, that it will all be alright. Sometimes, that is what you need to hear. And, believe. 

xoxo- Sarah