New Mommy fears and a whole lotta love

I've spent the last three hours sitting in some peace and quiet, drinking coffee and chatting it up with other adoptive mothers.

You see, I am a little nervous, and a whole lot of excited to bring my little boy home. I imagine sleepy Saturday mornings cuddled up to a crescent-eyed beauty with little puffs of dark brown hair poking through my sheets. I imagine busy afternoons stacking blocks, working puzzles and getting messy with markers as I watch the wonder of childhood unfold in front of me. I dream about kissing away tears from first boo boos and celebrating special moments like his first English word. :)

But, I fear too. Deep in my gut, I wonder if I have it in me to be the BEST Mommy I can be. I wonder if I can handle the heartache that can and often does accompany international adoption homecomings.

I'm not viewing my world through rose-colored glasses. Believe me. I know this homecoming may not be (and probably won't be) like the movies. Odds are Holden will be all smiles and laughs at the airport, and things will come crashing into a million pieces that first night at bedtime. Our son may not like us too much a first. He may push us away, scream at the sight of one of us, or even bite or worse. And, that, WILL hurt.

He may not want to be held, or comforted by us at first. He may seem distant or angry. And that WILL hurt.
I mean goodness...we have PATIENTLY waited for this moment for two years. That's more than a double pregnancy! We have looked at his pictures, studied his features. We have laid in bed 100 times on Sunday mornings and watched the same videos of him over and over and over again just to hear his laugh or see his eyes light up. I replay the hiccup every time. :) Yes, we are obsessed. We are already in love with this little soul. But, he doesn't know us.

So, this is what I've come up with.

If our son is culture-shocked and frustrated with the sight of a dozen white Americans that look nothing like his current view of the world, who can blame him? If he is scared of new smells, new sounds and a new home, who wouldn't be? If he doesn't immediately feel comforted or content, so what?

He has learned to love another family for the first 18 months of his little life. And, that is actually a GOOD thing!! He has learned to bond. Which means, he will hopefully bond again with us.

With time, these things will change. With love and consistency, our son will find his place. And, Travis and I have so much love to give him. I've taken advice from so many of you. My Mom, my best friend, my sister in law, my co-worker, my extended family and adoptive mommies out there.

But, I think I'll know what to do when the time comes. My gut is honest with me, and her voice is loud.

It's funny how these things work. Holden wasn't created by our genes. He didn't bloom and grow inside my stomach. He has never laid against my skin, or felt my lips kiss his. He has never felt Daddy's hands brush the hair out of his face or gently rock him to sleep. He has never seen a picture of his grandparents or heard their voice. YET, love is overflowing for him here in Kentucky. I'd venture to say, he is adored. Absolutely ADORED. And, that will help shape his new world. Adoption is such a beautiful experience. It is hard to put into words how much you can love a little soul half-way across the world.

I can't believe our adoption journey is almost at the point of delivering our son home.

Holden's delivery won't be one of a hospital and pain-numbing medicine. There won't be any doctors or nurses or ice chips. But, believe me. There has been pain. Both physical, mental and emotional. Gut-wrenching at times. And, there has been sweat. And, there will be sleepless nights, and tired tears.

Nothing worth anything is ever easy. I believe that. So, we are preparing for the tough, but hoping for the best. And, we will be happy with the in-between. Adoption has really taught me so much. It has really calmed this old girl down. I am thankful for that.

We need to remember patience. And, we need to allow ourselves time to adjust. It's the common law of human beings. And who knows, Holden might defy all our worries, and come home laughing with us right from the word go.

Sarah

Holden's Visa Physical is scheduled for Aug. 30th!!!

Hey Friends!
We got some more great news last week. Holden's visa physical is scheduled for Aug. 30th!
That means we are near step 12 on this list!


Steps
1. Decide to adopt (began in late 2010)
2. Decide domestic or international (spring 2011)
3. Decide which country (spring 2011)
4. Have home study conducted (March 2011)
5. Apply to adoption agency (May 2011)
6. Fill out legal paperwork granting future adopted child U.S. citizenship (summer 2011)
7. Get child referral (October 2011)
8. Review medical records, and in our case have specialists examine MRIs, videos and  (November 2011)
9. Accept Holden's referral (November 2011)
10. Wait for exit permit submission (some have waited at least a year after acceptance of referral)
11. Exit permit approved (4-5 weeks)
12. Travel call (up to two more months)
13. Travel to Korea (within 2 weeks of travel call)

This is very exciting for us! We have been running around doing last minute things the past week...finalizing room decor, picking out a car seat and  realizing we have NO diapers or wipes!! haha!

Likely, after Holden's physical, he will travel within the next month or so :) It is all becoming so real, and that is exciting and scary all at the same time. Just meeting our little guy will be a like living a dream. I still can't imagine carrying him into his room for the first time. Watching the way his eyes study everything around him.

Whew. So much to think about, and daydream on. So much to prepare for and have in place. Reality is here, and Holden is just steps from being HOME.

-S & T

There's No Place Like Home...

Thursday, July 12th will forever be a special day for us, for my little family of three.
At 1:03 p.m. my email beeped on my phone, and tears flowed from my eyes as I read: "EP Submitted July 12!"

Holden now has his exit permit to leave S. Korea in the Korean government's hands. Soon, they will approve this permit. Then, they will issue a visa physical, and travel certificate. Finally, our son will come home.

Oh, how easy that last paragraph sounds. Easy as 1, 2, 3, right?!?! Well, sure, it seems that way. But, you know all too well the heartache, the stress and the down right shitty moments we've had to go through.

Tonight, we opened up the big book of adoption (a bright pink file we keep our mounds of paper work in). I was looking for the I-600 form that holds our approved fingerprints by Homeland Security. But, I ended up reading through much of the information in that folder. Some of which, I hadn't looked at in nearly 2 years.

I found my original typed list of questions about International and Domestic Adoption. As I read through my list, I felt so far removed from where we started. I had highlighted questions about S. Korea and Ethiopia adoptions, but most of my list was about Domestic adoption. And now, I couldn't imagine doing that. I couldn't imagine our story, Holden's story being told any other way.

I also found the letters our friends wrote for us in the beginning. Travis and I each had to ask 3 people to write letters explaining why they thought we would make good parents. As I read through mine, I cried. I mean I got ugly!! To read first-hand what people think of your character, personality and heart and how it would all make you a wonderful parent is very emotional. I plan to keep those letters forever. For one, because our dear friends took the time to write them. But, also for when Holden's is mouthing off to me 14 years from now, telling me I'm not fair...and I'm "not being a good mother." Cause let's face it, I pulled that on my Mom too. Even when she was being a GREAT mother. I'll use those letters as a pick-me-up!

I also found what I was looking for. We need to re-new our fingerprints before traveling to get our babe.
So, it is with eager hearts we wait to have our EP approved and issued a travel certificate. We pray that things will NOT change again for the worse, and Holden will be home by Thanksgiving at the very latest.

I keep imagining what that moment will be like when I finally meet my son. Now, it is easier to imagine. I know he most likely will look smaller and more tiny that I imagined. He will also probably have a strong attachment to his foster mother. And, I know that will be hard to witness at first. I'm scared to death to rip him away from her, and the love and care she has shown him for the last year. But, I know how much love I have for him. I know how much Travis is eager to teach him.

No doubt, it will be one of the most emotional weeks in our lives. But, those moments are what makes our lives. Absolutely, no doubt about it.

Let us explain the best we can

Remember the last time you interviewed for a new job?

You may have just graduated college, or just finished high school. Maybe you were just applying at a new employer after biding your time and gaining experience at a previous post.

Remember how there was no clear-cut process, answers or timeline for when the position would be filled or how/when you would be notified that you were hired or passed over? Maybe the employer never called back. Maybe you received rejection by email or letterhead mail. This may have been after 2, 3, or even more interviews. It may have taken several months

It's not a perfect analogy, but it's the best I can come up with for trying to explain what Sarah and I are going through and why it's so hard to explain that we have no idea when we will be permitted to fly to Korea to bring Holden home.

When my brother and his wife became pregnant in 2010, the timeline was almost finite. Go for regular doctor visits, have baby showers after 7 months, and expect Baby Brody to squeeze his way out and into our lives sometime between early July and mid August barring any complications. And thankfully there were none, but even for those not so fortunate, birth complications only impact the timelines by weeks -- maybe just days -- and never multiple months or years.

But adoption has no finite -- or even approximate -- timeline. And there are complications more often than not, because there are bureaucracies, legalities and political motives involved.

You all, as have we, think all the time: "There are these babies who need homes and have no parents, so why not just let them come home?"

But, suffice it to say, it's just not that easy. Some of it is to determine if you are fit to parent, some of it is simply bureaucracy. 

Steps
1. Decide to adopt (began in late 2010)
2. Decide domestic or international (spring 2011)
3. Decide which country (spring 2011)
4. Have home study conducted (March 2011)
5. Apply to adoption agency (May 2011)
6. Fill out legal paperwork granting future adopted child U.S. citizenship (summer 2011)
7. Get child referral (October 2011)
8. Review medical records, and in our case have specialists examine MRIs, videos and  (November 2011)
9. Accept Holden's referral (November 2011)
10. Wait for exit permit submission (some have waited at least a year after acceptance of referral)
11. Exit permit approved (4-5 weeks)
12. Travel call (up to two more months)
13. Travel to Korea (within 2 weeks of travel call)

So, it can take up to a year to get a referral, in some cases, and another year to bring a baby home. 

Beginning March of this year, the agency has sent monthly emails no later than mid month detailing the progress of all "exit permit" submissions and approvals. An EP is simply a request and permission granted for a specific child to leave South Korea. Each agency gets so many per year ,and we were led to believe ours would be processed by the end of this year, allowing us to travel before the New Year.

Last week, we received an email that indicated the monthly notification that our agency sends out regarding travel permits was being delayed. No explanation why, just that because a new Korean law beginning in August requiring adopting families to appear in Family Court was motivating the agencies to process a larger "batch" of EPs than normal for the month of June and that they would not send out the regular email until all of those families and paperwork were notified.

I am sure that the agency was getting inundated with emails asking when the monthly email would be sent since parents had become accustom to an approximate timeline, which prompted them to send out a precursory email. But that can also work both ways. While it could get some excited that a larger than normal batch of permits would be submitted this month, maybe speeding up a child's travel time, it also could be a cause for concern that the agency is fearful that EP submissions will be cut off soon and they are just trying to cram in as many as possible beforehand.

EP submissions got cut off last October and didn't start back up until March of this year. That's a six-month delay in the process that has already occurred. Without that delay, Holden would already have traveled home, likely in the last 2-3 months.

So, especially for Sarah, the precursory email made us think the worst. So, she sent emails asking for an explanation, and the agency wasn't going to announce anything until all the paperwork for this month was finalized. But they asked us to have a conference call yesterday rather than email correspondence.

During the conference call, the director of the program bluntly said that all of these exit permit quotas are simply because the Korean government DOES NOT want other countries adopting their native-born kids, and while they aren't going to ultimately prevent matched children from leaving, they are going to do everything to deter others from embarking in the process in the future. 

She also explained that they believed before if nothing changed that we would be part of this year's EP submissions and likely travel by January. But they are unwilling to commit to a definite timeline, because things are continuously changing.

We want a timeline and date, and to be able to answer your questions more than anything. But there simply isn't a "for sure." That said, today, our agency finally sent the email detailing the EP submissions for this month. In the email, they detailed that all families who sent acceptance paperwork in September -- and even some from October -- were submitted. That means we are getting very close and just missed this cut.

The bad news is all indications are there likely won't be any submissions again until September at the earliest. But that also means our "hopeful" timeline of by the end of the year hasn't changed, it's just that some of the families just ahead of us got their EPs approved a month or two earlier than they expected. In the end, though, because of how many extra were submitted this month those families may have to wait longer than normal between EP submission and and travel call.

I was able to do a little snooping on our agency's message board to see all the families who were submitted, and one family submitted acceptance paperwork as late as Oct. 28. We mailed ours on Nov. 14. So, we are extremely close, and if EP submissions resume in September, we should be part of no later than the October batch. And, maybe, just maybe, we'll travel before Christmas.

But, for now, we're twisting in the wind, just like the guy hoping to hear about that new job, with no idea when we'll get an answer.

On Memorial Day, remembering those who preceded Holden Jae Hubbard

For much of my life, Memorial Day involved reflecting on the memories of the singular person who impacted my childhood more than any other: Edsel Hubbard, my grandfather and still the greatest man I've ever known. That was in part because of the special bond I had with him, but also because his and his mother's death a few months earlier were the only ones that touched my family until I reached adulthood.

In recent years, it's unfortunately expanded to include a few other close loved ones like his wife and my grandmother, Midge; my cousin Alicia Colvin; and dear family friend David Dearinger.

Sarah's family has even more loved ones to remember on this weekend, including her dad's father, mother and sister when she was a kid. And most recently her grandfather, Popi, who I got to know for a few short years.

But this Memorial Day not only has me reflecting on my memories of my lost loved ones, but also how they impacted me in becoming who I am and specifically how I have the responsibility to do the same for my new son in a few short months.

The one thing this long wait to bring Holden Jae home makes me appreciate, is the time we will have with him once he arrives. And once he is here, I hope he has many, many years to get to know each person in his life, especially his grandparents.

Because I always have -- and still do -- feel that the time we had to spend with my grandfather was far too brief.

Edsel Hubbard was, coincidentally, a veteran based in Germany during the Korean War, which ended with Holden Jae's birthplace remaining a democratic country. Shortly after, he had 4 kids and worked as a salesman for Prudential until retirement during a different time when our grandparents could retire in their early 50s.

It's hard to believe it's been 22 years since my grandfather died of throat and lung cancer at the age of 60.  He would be 83 on Halloween this year. He's now been gone more than twice as long as I knew him. But for 10 brief years I enjoyed fishing outings, tossing ball, and cuddling up in his lap while he watched Bassmasters and nodded off from narcolepsy he developed from his abnormal sleep regimen during military service.

Those are the things I remember fondly of Edsel Hubbard. But he was more than just my grandfather, he was my best friend. He was loving, endearing, loyal, admirable and as much a family man as any that's ever existed.

My grandfather's death was the greatest pain of my life. His funeral was on my 10th birthday. He seemed so old and wise at the time, and there was no one who could ever replace him -- as a grandfather or a friend -- but he died far too young in retrospect.

It's probably my age and perspective, but neither my dad nor Sarah's dad seems like they're as old as Grandpa Hubbard was, yet both are less than 4 years from 60 and already older than Edsel was when he first got cancer. The same was true of Sarah's grandfather, Arnold Zopfi. One of my greatest hopes is that Holden Jae has the same kind of relationship with Wendell Zopfi and Tim Hubbard as I had with my grandfather. And seeing him with my nephew, Brody, I know my dad is much more like his own father than I ever imagined or gave him credit for when I was young.

It's because of my respect and admiration of my grandfather, my father and my father-in-law that it took me so long to accept this fatherly responsibility: Sarah has wanted to be a mother since she graduated college, while I held out until I neared my third decade. I have such huge footsteps to follow, and I will never live up to the example set by Edsel Hubbard, Tim Hubbard and Wendell Zopfi.

Fortunately, the bar was set so high by that triumvirate that even being half the man/father/friend will be quite the accomplishment.

Derby Weekend Wins and Losses

Well, I spent $18 betting on the Kentucky Derby. And, I lost. My trifecta wasn't a successful bet.
But, luckily, I had a few wins come my way this weekend too. Not in the form of money or things, but in the form of people and stories.

In the form of moments that shape your way of thinking.

Travis and I enjoyed our Derby evening in the company of old, dear friends. Steve and Niki Jones invited us, along with a swell of people, to visit their newly renovated home. It's a precious little shotgun cottage complete  with a fenced in back yard and the cutest little Moon Pie puppy you could dream up.

Among the grilling out and mint julep drinking, I enjoyed meeting new people and reconnecting with old friends.

As the night grew darker, and the "super moon" shown a little brighter, my mind kept drifting away from the party and to my son. As it often does. I wondered what he was doing on this beautiful Saturday evening. I wondered if his foster family had even heard of the Derby.

As my thoughts drifted in and out of Holden's life, Niki introduced me to one of her dear friends who herself had been adopted through a domestic adoption 37 years ago. Not only had this woman been adopted, her brothers and sister were adopted too. Her brothers, both in the USA, like her. Her sister? Well, she was adopted from South Korea 28 years ago when she was 9 years old. Yes, two sisters not by blood, but by love...the same age.

I spent the next hour listening to the story of "Susan." The little girl who came from Korea and into a family of 5. She got to pick her own American name. She didn't look at all like her siblings or her parents. But, somehow, she just fit. And, Niki's friend said (with a chuckle) people better not call her Korean today, because she considers herself American.

Then, I got out my phone, and showed off pictures and videos of my son. It feels good to do that. It feels so awesome to say, "This is my son." And, to feel my heart nearly burst with pride.

As we were saying our goodbyes, I could feel that throbbing in my head. Maybe I had over-served myself and would regret it the next morning. But, I certainly wouldn't regret that night and it's stories.

Once we got in the car, I turned to Travis and said: "Man, it sure felt good to show Holden off."

His response?

"Yeah. It sure does."

Let Him BLOOM

Today, I finished the book "Bloom." It is by a mother of a three year old and a one year old down syndrome child. Her name is Kelle Hampton. I recommend this book to any mother, mother-to-be or woman who loves children.

With that said, I must create for you the picture of me finishing this book in my classroom during nap time.
Here I am reading, lights off and nap music on. Tears are flooding my eyes and dripping ever so softly onto the pages of my $30 book, ruining it no doubt.

I'm trying not to seem sad, as I know my "kids" are watching me. But, this book is so darn beautiful. What Kelle sees, feels and knows about her DS daughter, is beautiful. Her love for life, and all it's imperfections is beautiful.

And while my son does not have DS, this book still made me smile.

I needed to finish this book today. For today, has been a rough day for me.

As many of you know, Holden had some complications at birth. His birth mother was only 4 feet and 9 inches tall. He became stuck in her birth canal upon entering this world. As a result, he did aspirate some meconium at birth. He was without air for a few minutes. His Apgar score was still a 7, and ALL of his tests have come back normal. The doctors assure us Holden is healthy and fine. He was well-taken care of at birth. But, as a parent, you worry.

Holden is amazing. He walked at 10 months. He can run, and walk backward. He shakes his head no or yes at 14 months old. He pretends to talk on a phone. He climbs and falls, and does it again. He stacks blocks, dances and laughs. He is amazing. Is this child lacking? NO WAY.

Reading "Bloom" taught me that all I have to do is love Holden. I can't predict the future. And, I can't change his past. He is meeting and exceeding many milestones for his age. He is right on target for success.

I can rest in the belief that Holden Jae-Min was MADE for me. He was MADE for Travis. He was MADE for Adam Zopfi and Todd Hubbard to be his uncles, and for Lindsay Brown and Danielle Hubbard to be his aunts.

He was MADE for Wendell Zopfi to teach him how to water-ski, and be resilient among life's many obstacles. He was MADE for Alice Zopfi to teach him how to plant a garden, and love his family.

He was MADE for Tim Hubbard to teach him how to drive a tractor, and work hard for what you want. He was MADE for Mary Hubbard to teach him how to count and read, and appreciate his family.

This most precious of souls was MADE for us. This plan was created for us centuries and light years ago. It is so breathtaking to watch it unfold in front of my eyes, and in front of my heart.

How amazingly LUCKY am I to experience a love so deep, that is glows and permeates my life from 6,000 miles away.

And this is only the beginning!! One day soon, I will be able to TOUCH my son's skin. And, smell his sweet, sweaty baby love smell. And, look into his eyes. I will be able to squeeze his toes, and squish his piggy fat legs. I will be able to kiss his sticky fingers and his sweet lips.

I will get to hold him on a 15 hour flight back to home. And, along the way I can finally share with him my worries and concerns as he lived afar. But, I can also assure him of a love so deep, he could never find it's roots. A love that started with a search for a child, but ended with a homecoming. A search that ended with him.

I will finally be able to let him rest his head upon my shoulder. I will FINALLY know the weight of MY child in my arms.

The seeds are sown friends. And, the buds are sprouting. Tiny little leaves are breaking through the soil.

All we wait on now is The Bloom...
 <3