Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Dreaming so...

Ive been one big ball of emotions and nerves for the past two or three days.
Travis and I were told we should expect your referral any day now. Wow.

Could it be? A picture of you, our baby? Is it this close to being real?

So hard to imagine. Yet, as real as the air around me.
I got nervous the other night thinking of all the ways my life will change when you come along. No more mornings of peace and quiet. No more laying on the couch with just my own thoughts on a Saturday afternoon. No more time to just hang with my travis and love each other.
then my worries got worse ...

Will Travis still love me the way he has for 10-plus years? Will my parents and his parents ever want to hear about our successes again? Or will our lives just evaporate into the cool night air? A life gone and replaced with a cute, chubby toddler who won the hearts of those we love?

I worried and worried. Will I teach you all the things you need to know? Will you love me right away? Will I bond with you? Will we LIKE each other???  Will I be a good mother???
My girlfriends say "Oh, those feelings are so normal!" "Everyone worries!"
But I still couldn't calm down.
And the answer? We just have to go with our hearts on this one. Everything you do the first time is new and stingy...and beautiful and hard...and challenging and refreshing.
What I hope for and pray for and ask for and dream for is that you and I will just click. That our hearts, minds and bodies will just melt into each other. And, it will feel like you've been a part of me forever. I want to know I'll be your biggest fan.

I know this might be wishful thinking, but I have to be wishful. The fear of an adoption working out is the biggest fear I've ever known. It is so scary.
I never stop thinking about it, but there are days I have to give my mind a rest. I have to think only of good things...of places in the heart that are made only for love.

Of places where little fingers grasp mine and little cheeks rest on my chest. Of places where I watch my husband become an even better man as he cares for a tiny human being with a love he's never known. of places where our family meets the chance to love a child who didn't come from our bloodline, but from love none the less.
Of places where I will struggle as your mother, but linger with happiness in our successes together.

Of places where our life shifts, sways and bends, but never breaks. I'm dreaming of these places with you.

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