Mom Life/The Original Gangsta Life/The Greatest Life

Last Saturday was tough.
I mean it was really emotionally and physically exhausting.

Holden’s ball practice came early on that morning. He and I both needing to recover from a busy week. But instead we are running around the house in desperate searches for bats, gloves and the baseball pants.

Those desperate searches. I’m always in one. I think I have it all down and ready. And the I don’t. I’m lost. And I feel the weight of an army on me just to locate the damn batting gloves.
I mean logically I know it’s ridiculous to even stress about. But I’m “Omma”. I can find anything. I’m counted on to do so.

We get to practice five minutes late. I park, the boy runs and I sit down on the chilly metal bleachers. Suddenly longing for some support for my back. I’m watching these kids run drills. One of them does something funny and I feel the urge to make eye contact with another Mom. I want to share a little laugh with her. But I’m the ONLY MOM HERE. It’s just me and the boys/men of summer.

I start to huff and roll my eyes to myself. Why!? Why am I the only woman here? And why are all of these Dads here enjoying a ball practice with their sons and my husband is at work? I don’t like this sausage fest. I feel annoyed and sad.

Halfway through practice Holden is picking up rocks and telling one of the Dads how it looks like a shark tooth. He’s turning his back to the ball. I feel rage build up inside. (Another one of those desperate search moments about to explode). I snap.

“Holden Hubbard! Keep your eyes on the ball! We didn’t get you out here to talk about rocks and pick flowers!”

I turn back around. I mean right Moms?!?!? Oh yeah. I’m talking to myself.

I text my husband that I’m tired and it’s not fun doing this alone. He texts me back...”thanks for being Supermom”.

Then everything changes.

Holden bats his turn. And runs towards me. I’m sure he’s thirsty, so I snatch up his water bottle and hold it out to his grimy little face.

“Are you thirsty buddy?”

“Hey Omma! I am. But did you see my hit? Did you see it!? Maybe you should move over there a little bit so you can see my hits.”

My heart hurts. I feel guilty.

See, even when I have all the balls in the air, only one thing really counts. Where are they all landing?

I have our life organized. I have a few healthy meals on the table each week. I provide clean sheets free of charge. I keep a backpack cleaned out. I pack lunches and sign slips. I can get a dirt stain out in one wash. I know what’s going on day to day at school. I keep this ship sailing. I steer us clear of treacherous waters.

But those many balls I juggle aren’t what my kid truly sees. He doesn’t care where they land. He sees only one.

Am I present in his world? Do I SEE HIM?

I know all of the clean floors, made beds, stacked toys and folded clothes don’t stand a chance against my presence in his world. I know this in my heart.

I reassure him that I did see his hit. And that I am proud. Because I am proud to have this job. I am proud to be his Omma.

I know I’ll get frustrated again. And I’ll falsely believe that Swiffering my floor will somehow make the world a better place. But I ask for grace. I ask for patience. I sometimes need my eyes to pull back the veil of life to see what’s happening right in front of me.

And that’s life. That’s what’s unfolding in his tiny voice.

Did you see me? Did you see my hits?

I did. And, I promise I will.

On Loving In The Motherland

Sometimes when I walk by his room, I can still smell it.
It's not as potent, not as rich. And, it's changing.

It's losing its sweetness, and morphing into something more intense.

I can still smell it though. Soft and pure. Intoxicatingly unique to him.
And sometimes I stand alone in his empty room and just let it soak in.
Breathing becomes a real treat as his smell floods my heart. Memories upon memories dance in my mind. I sit on his bed, and touch his pillow. It's all here.

But it's changing.

My baby's smell is becoming a boy's scent.

And when things change, I reflect.

He's just six. But his body is growing lean and long. His muscles are showing in his calves and stomach. His face has all but lost it's delicious chubbiness.
And his character is so strong. He is beginning to know himself. His likes, dislikes. His frustrations  and his loves.

And luckily for me, I'm still his love. I'm still his number one. For this moment, I still put all the stars in the sky. In his sky.

But his seasons are changing. And I know it won't happen all at once, but slowly he will pull back. I will have to unweave the heart strings bit by bit to let him move and grow.

It seems strikingly sad to me at first. And I have to take a step back, as I'm sure most mothers do.
And though it aches inside to let go a tiny bit, it's beautiful. And I'm so grateful.

I am watching my child GROW. I get to witness these grand slams and small victories. I get to protect these mini heartbreaks. I am still welcome. I am still desired by his little heart.

So I will allow him room. To move. In and out. And my mother's heart hopes he always finds a place inside to visit.

Happy Mother's Day weekend.

Elizabeth Jean-A Phenomenal Woman

When I was 10 years old, my parents went on a cruise. They dropped my brother and I off at my maternal grandparents' house before leaving. 

As a young child I had severe anxiety about my parents leaving out of town. There was no rhyme or reason to this, except that it was my personality. 

My grandmother, who we all call "Mimi", was not overly affectionate to us growing up. She left that to my grandfather. Instead she seemed all business. She made sure things got done and she did it effortlessly. She had a plan. 

She made sure we were fed, bathed and in our pajamas at a decent time. 

But my "Popi" played silly games, made us belly laugh and kept us up too late. 

Except on this night, after my parents left, I just couldn't calm myself down. 

I got so worked up, that I could feel my stomach churning as I got ready for bed. 

Laying in bed, I could tell I was going to be sick. I rushed to the bathroom. Scared and sad, I longed for my Mom. And that is when my Mimi showed up. 

She ran into the bathroom, and put one hand around my waist and one on my forehead. She held my hair back. And the embrace felt familiar. It felt better. 

And I realized she was holding me the same way my mother did when I was ill. 

She cleaned me up, and to my surprise, let me sleep in her bed with her. 

I saw a different side of my grandmother that night. It felt so special and I felt loved. 

As a mother myself, I now know she was an old pro at helping sick children. After all she raised seven of them. 

At the tender age of 19 she delivered Richard. Living in Louisville and as a young Mom, she likely learned ways to get by on less, yet live richly in love. 

She had seven children. Which meant she mothered for nearly 20 years straight. 

Which meant she was strong. Which meant she drew the strength of mountains. She could withstand the weathering of the seasons. She had the grace to let the wind and rain shape her. She could stand, freezing cold, in the face of life's winters. And she could let the warmth of summer let her rest as the sun shown against her children's faces. 

My mom, Alice says: 

"When Mom says she loves you, it's like seeing both ends of a rainbow."

I've heard many stories of her resilience. I've witnessed her battle cry. She is the woman who taught me to ALWAYS stand up for what you deserve. She taught us all to never back away from what you believe is right. 

Mimi is the strongest woman I've ever known. 

And now, she is in the evening of her life. She's tired. Her body is growing thin, but her mind prevails. She knows her heart. She always has. 

And when I think of Elizabeth Jean Ward and the woman that she was, and is...I am reminded of one of my favorite poems by Maya Angelou. 

"It's the fire in my eyes,

and the flash of my teeth,

the swing in my waist and 

the joy in my feet. 

I'm a woman. 

Phenomenally. 

Phenomenal woman

That's me." 

We love you Mimi. 

There's Always Room to Grow

You are growing.
Every morning I see it.
I see it in your smile. It's wider, shiny with anticipation.
I feel it.
I feel it in the way you hug me tighter, but quicker. Your little hands longing to move on to the next big adventure.
I hear it too.
In your use of words. Big and bold. Beautiful and new.
You are growing.
You are taking risks, challenging us.
You understanding love, showing us.

In one short week, you will graduate preschool.

Three years of learning and discovery wrapped up into a tiny piece of paper tied with a bright bow.
Your chubby cheeks given way to a slender jawline. Your short, baby legs growing strong with the muscle of a boy.

You are growing. And I am proud.

Proud of everything you are. Everything you stand up for, notice and take care of.
Just tonight you opened the door for an older man. He didn't say thank you, but you opened the second door for him too. You opened it anyway.

When we pulled into the driveway, you said: "Omma, the keys? I need to open the door for us!"
And you struggled. Like you usually do to twist the tiny, golden key hard enough.
You pushed and turned. Turned and pulled.
Then click.

And my heart ached longingly for you.

Because you are growing.

And next week you will reach another milestone in the many to come in your lifetime.
And I will be there to see you.
I'm positive a thousand memories will flood my mind. So many memories I've held under the lock and key of my Mommy heart.
I love you so much Holden.

I love watching you grow.

Saturday mornings

It's Saturday morning and you're laying right next to me. Your black hair is spilling all over my arm and you're still sucking your thumb. Your eye lashes still curl at the ends just like when I first met you. I lean into your cheek, close to your neck and breathe in deeply.    

I just want to smell you. Every Momma knows the smell of her baby. You came home smelling this way, and I will never forget how your skin smells as long as I live. So sweet, and soft with a hint of little boy. And I swear some days when you're not here, I walk by your room and the scent overwhelms me. It's seeps into the mattress, layers the walls. It whispers you. It pulls at my heart with a magnet force. And I wonder how long I'll have to smell this preciousness? How long will I be privy to snuggle up to you on Saturday mornings? How long will you wrap your legs across me, and just be? 

How many years can I buy of you and me? 

I'd lie, cheat and steal for them. I promise I would. 

You're 4 & 1/2. In my mind there's still so much little boy to go around. God, I sure hope I'm right. 

In the meantime, I will relish in our time together. Just us. When I'm stressed and feel like being alone, I will take a swift breath in over the crown of your head and remember:

~these days are the greatest I'll be given.

~these days are short.
~these days matter the most.
~ENJOY.

Leaps of faith

When we first announced we were adopting, we didn't receive cheers and congrats. At least not right away.
Instead, there were questions. Many, many questions. Some you would expect, and some we didn't. Some that made us laugh, and some the broke our hearts.

What we came to learn over the year and a half before we got Holden's referral picture is that 99% of those questions came from fear or ignorance. Fear of the unknown, the new, the unchartered territory. Dare I say, the different?

Adoption was brand new to us, to our families, our friends. It a was a giant leap of faith full of unknowns, uncertainty and no set plan. Pretty much all the things that 5 years ago made me bat shit crazy!

But here is where I'll start with the miracle. The miracle that is adoption, that is my faith, that is my son.

Nearly five years ago, we began our adoption paperwork. Two years ago next Wednesday, we brought our miracle baby home.

And the in between of the then and now is where the magic happened. Where I grew to believe in faith for it's true meaning. To believe when I can't see, feel, touch or know the outcome. I trust in a bigger picture and a reason for things.

In those five years, Travis & I have become less fearful of life. We look at our son, and see our hopes and desires for his soul. We see everything good in ourselves, everything loving we have to offer. A raw, real love that we would do anything for. Absolutely anything.

In our families, we see a relaxed face. No more worries over when the baby will come home. No more sleepless nights praying the baby is being well cared for. No more worrying about whether the baby will "fit" into our family.
We see grandparents who have never once batted an eye at color, race or heritage.
We see grandparents who are head over heels for their grandson. 100% percent in mushy, gushy big love.

In aunts & uncles we see laughter and moments of pure happiness. We hear a lot of 'we love that little guy' & 'he is so great'. We see affection. We know he's loved.

You see, five years ago, there were so many questions, concerns and worry.

Replaced with so much peace, joy and love. Because Holden is ours. I believe in a big picture. I believe he always was.

My heart swells at the sight of him each morning. My arms relax with the weight of him each night. I'll spread the incredible joy that is this boy, the miracle that is adoption for the rest of my life.

Happy almost two years home Holden. You are our everything.

Maybe it's the changing season...

Maybe it's the chill in the morning air.
Maybe it's the feel of a hoodie around my neck.
Maybe it's the sense that everything in nature is about to shift.

But, I have that excitement building in my heart again.
I've had it for the past 30 some years now as Fall slowly approaches, and summer fades.
My favorite season is upon us.

But, leaves and fires and sweaters aren't what makes Fall my heartsong anymore. It's much more than that.

On Nov. 19, Holden has been home for two years. TWO YEARS.

This time two years ago seems like two minutes ago in my mind. Two seconds ago in my heart.

The utter waiting and longing for our adoption agency to give us the green light was excruciating. And, that pain will never be erased. I remember checking my email no less than 10 times a day from Sept through Nov. 3. Waiting. Waiting. Screaming. Crying. Waiting. Simply going crazy.

I remember my friends listening to the same old story.
I remember our parents just loving us.
I remember my boss letting me use her office one too many times. To make phone calls. To cry. To vent.
I remember feeling Grade A crazy. And, then having my adoptive Mom friends remind me that they too were crazy one time. And, it's OK to be when YOUR CHILD is half way across the world.

I remember it all.

And, all we ever wanted was to get on a plane, and pick Holden up, and love him forever.

Eventually, the call came.

I was sick with bronchitis, and Travis was stressed out with everything. But, when our agency said, 'he's ready!'-- every part of me lit up. I was on fire and in love with my baby!

I seriously don't remember finishing our packing or leaving our house. But I remember boarding the first plane. And, I remember how scared I was of flying. And like fog lifts off a sunny horizon, my fear nearly vanished. I didn't need the 10 anti-anxiety pills my doc gave me cause baby, I was high on love. Pure and raw and real. There's nothing like love.

November is just around the corner. And, a two year celebration is near.

Join with us in celebrating love, time, commitment and the ties that bind a family.

Happy Fall too :)

Life Lessons

On the advice of an article I read about a dying mother who wrote notes to her daughters, I decided to do something similar for my son. I'm not dying, thank goodness. But I did recently open an email account for Holden where I can send him memories, notes, pictures and just life lessons and love. Here's a piece of my first entry.

Hi Holden,
I hope on the day you are reading this the sun is shining on your face, and your heart is happy.
I wanted to take a minute to give you a few important lessons I've learned. Some words to try to live by if you can. I know you will figure things out yourself, and in your own time, but these nuggets of life might help.

1) Always be true to yourself. Always. You know yourself better than anyone else.
2) Take a minute before you pass judgment to think what it must be like to walk in that person's shoes.
3) When you love someone, tell them. But more importantly, show them. Never keep it inside. Let people you love know it!
4) Look for the good in others.
5) Try to be patient and kind. You never know what battle someone else is fighting.
6) Stand UP for what you feel strongly about! Shout it to the mountains! Keep her head up and hold your course.
7) Spend time reflecting on what is good in your life. Keep count of what you do have, not what you want.
8) If you're feeling down, sing, dance, laugh out loud! Or call your Pop. He's always good for a laugh!
9) Never forget about those who know you best. Even if you're mad at them. Never forget how much your Omma and Appa adore you.
10) When you thank God, don't just thank him for a particular prayer answered that day. Make sure you thank him for the days before and keeping you happy and healthy your whole life.
11) Respect people. Older, younger and your peers. Everyone appreciates respect.
12) Develop your passions in life! There's no wrong or right hobby. Do what you like, and do it well.
13) Learn how to cook one or two good meals. Your future wife and children will thank you.
14) Don't wage war in love. Two people in love will always have ups and downs. There will be days when you look at your girlfriend or wife and stare at her with amazement and gratitude. There will be other days when you want to run away for a few days, and scream and knock each other down with harsh comments. But try to remember the gratitude even then. True love is worth the effort and time.
15) Embrace your life story. It's ALL yours. Tell your adoption story with all the soul you can muster. It's such a unique and special story to tell. Remember how loved you were from the very beginning. Remember how many people in your life helped shape you, helped you grow! Your story is so awesome.
16) Be honest. Tell the truth. There is no greater freedom.
17) Listen to all types of music. You may not like them all, but give each a try.
18) Every now and then, go outside with a cup of coffee or any drink you prefer, and just sit. Feel the cool grass between your toes. Take a deep heavy breath. Close your eyes, and rest. Fill your body and mind with God's beauty.
19) Say "Thank You."
20) Say "I'm Sorry."
21) Ask for help. Ask if you can help.
22) Be silly sometimes. Laugh until your belly hurts. I'm sure this will come naturally, but I miss it from my younger days. It's a wonderful feeling!
23) Try new things. Be a little scared.
24) Drive a sports car with a stick shift.  Even if you just test drive for fun. There's nothing like it! (Learn to drive a stick first.) :)
25) Learn to water ski, and handle a boat. Even if it's not with Pop or us, see if you can. Some of the grandest memories in my life (and uncle Adam's too) were growing up on a boat.
Well, that's my first 25 for you my son.
I hope to share many more.
Attached to this email is a picture of you at two years old really in your element. Really enjoying life. Refer to it often.

I love you so much,
Omma

You know what I find amazing, Holden?

The other night as my family and I got ready for bed, Holden said to his father: "Appa, I brush my teeth. I got it!"
This is a typical nightly struggle as Holden approaches three years old. The independence factor is off the charts! But, it's not what Holden said that took my breath away. It's what his father said next...
"You know what I find amazing, Holden?" he asked.
"This time last year you couldn't speak any English. We weren't even sure if you understood any if it. Now, look at you arguing with me! We were so worried, and now look at you!"
Wow. Seriously. So much can change in one year. A little toddler who had nothing but 3 Korean words flying home with him on a jet plane can now hold his own with you till the cows come home.
It isn't unusual or surprising I suppose. Of course we knew he would learn, and we hoped it would be quickly. But it is amazing. In every since of that over-used word.
This little wonder of a boy is also potty trained (having done so in one week!) He can count to 20, button his coat, and work the hell out of some jigsaw puzzles. Am I bragging? Maybe. I think it's OK too on this one. Because my son is amazing. Most of all I am amazed by how his heart has grown.
If you think about it, REALLY think about it, it is a nothing short of miraculous.
A 20 month old baby is taken away, and given to his forever family. They already love him. They adore him. They want to bottle everything about him, and save it. They understand. But, he doesn't. So, his heart is grieving.
At first, he gives kisses "bobos" to any soul who will ask. He's overly affectionate with strangers, and can't sleep at night. He won't eat much and hates when you leave the room.
His heart was hurting a year ago. His love needed time to grow.
And, boy has it grown.
Present day Holden asks for snuggles with his Omma. He squeals with joy when he sees his grandparents. He begs to play basketball with his Appa every night!
He knows he will be fed. He knows he will be bathed. He knows he will have all of his immediate needs met. But, he also knows he is loved. He calms with the touch of my hand as I wipe his hair off his forehead. He reaches down and hugs my husband's neck as we are walking through the mall for no reason at all.
His heart has grown. My hope as his mother is that it is full.
Full up on all things comforting, safe, warm and happy.
It's been an amazing year in the life of Holden. I can't wait to see what 2014 brings, and how his heart grows.

Do you appreciate all of those moments?

This morning it was a tad chilly in our house because we have not turned on our heat yet for the season. So I went and grabbed Holden out of his crib and put him into bed with Travis & I to snuggle.
While he snuggles with us often in the mornings, he's not always the most affectionate. He often wants to just watch TV or starts telling me to get up and it's time to cook breakfast!  Ha!
But this morning as we laid there, he sat up and then laid his body across mine. So that his head was on my chest, and he could stare directly into my eyes. And, he held my hand while I rubbed his head. He just kept looking into my eyes and smiling. Then, he wrapped his arms around my neck and just laid there for a long while.
It was so hard to leave that sweet moment and get ready for work.
Adoptive moms know the weight of that moment. To know your child has bonded with you. Completely, without reservations.
I appreciated that moment so much. I am thankful everyday for my son, but this morning, I was even more.

LOVE. FOREVER AND EVER.

Dear Readers,
 Tomorrow my husband and I and our son, Holden go to court to finalize the adoption we began nearly three years ago. Tomorrow our son becomes a US citizen.
 It is a day we have been waiting on for a very long time.
 I hope you enjoy this post. It is filled with giddy, raw, full love.

I'm not sure where I was or what I was doing nearly three years ago tonight.
But, I am sure I was daydreaming about my future baby.
I am sure I was longing for he or she to be in my arms. Picturing myself with a child pressed against my chest, as I caressed wispy locks of hair out of sleepy little eyes.

Fast forward.

This dream came true.

Just tonight, I held a baby in my arms. I rocked him, and brushed the hair out of his eyes just before bed.
I pressed him against my chest, and breathed in his sweet little boy smell. I watched his eyes open and close, open and close. I just wondered what his little busy mind must be thinking.

And since I couldn't be sure, I told him what was on mine.

I told him tomorrow is the day. A day for big and grand things to happen.
I told him tomorrow, it all comes together. Three years in the making.
I told him that tomorrow is HIS day. He adoption becomes FINAL.
And, I kissed his plump, juicy lips. Over and over and over again.
And, like I always do, I told him I loved him. But, this time I added:

"I love Holden. Forever and ever and ever."

He giggled and giggled. I repeated the phrase a few more times.

I told him good night and started to walk out the door.

Just as I stepped out of the doorway he said...

"I...Holden...love...Omma, Appa, ever, forever ever. Goodnight, Omma."

And, that folks, says it all.

Our Adoption Story...Holden's Story.

If you'd like, take a few minutes to watch this beautiful video my husband so graciously put together. It is the story of our adoption journey. It is a story of waiting, the story of love. We ARE the luckiest...

xoxo-
Sarah




http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wasbDu8CCtw

Six Months!!! :)

On Saturday Holden has been home for 6 months. Time. Has. Flown.
I say he's been home because I mean just that.

While he's lived in several different houses, been cared for by many different people, he wasn't home until last November.

It is really hard to put into words the sheer joy Holden brings into our lives. I often feel like I crave him and his love. He's more addictive each day. His smile, his laugh! His sense of humor will change your life!

In a few short weeks Holden's adoption will be finalized in the Kentucky courts. And he will be "legally" be ours forever and ever!!

So to celebrate in this blog, I'll write a simple poem. I love you Holden.

Holden...
You are the brightest light I have ever known.
You are comfort.
You are chubby sweet and baby smells.
You will be my grandest accomplishment as I grow old.
You are proof that dreams do come true.
You are a testament that patience pays 1,000 fold.
You are Omma & Appa's heart song.
You are the one I never want to put down. And the one I can't wait to pick up.
You are my Christmas morning over and over again.
You are the reason I fight for.
You are the reason I learn more.
You are a happy I've never known.
You are a lesson in love for our whole family.
And you, my son, are loved beyond measure. Beyond the depths of every ocean, beyond the limitlessness of every sky, beyond the vastness of every canyon... You are.
Happy 6 months home baby. Welcome to forever, love.

110 days of you...

Our blog just hit over 4,500 page views! I love that our story is helping people learn about adoption. :) Holden has been home almost 4 months today...110 days to be exact. And, in Korean culture they celebrate a baby's first 100 days much like a birthday or special occassion of life. While the past 110 days were not Holden's first, they were his first with us. And his Dad and I feel like that's reason to celebrate! We took him out to eat Korean food on Saturday. He greedily stuffed his mouth with rice and seaweed. He ate kimchi with a passion. And, he relished in all the attention from onlookers. All the young Korean ladies typically give him lots of "ohhs" and "ahhs", which he soaks in with a wink and a smile back. I sat there and watched him eat. Sipping on my wine, I said a silent toast in my head. Or maybe it was more in my heart. It went something like this... 110 days have gone by since I touched your face for the first time in an airport in San Fransico. I was so careful and reserved that first day of life with you in it. Careful not to overwhlem you or make you sad. Careful to comfort you, and make you feel better in your sadness and grieving. And, it is only now as I look back on the first days together, that I can see how sad you really were. Now that I know your happy nature, I can see that you were so confused that day, yet you tried to laugh and smile and make your new parents happy too. That's the kind of boy you are. Loving and fun, happy and full of charm. Even though we were strangers, our need ase each other was there. I can't remember the last moment I felt like I didn't know you. I think it all ended that day. Something that felt new and scary quickly turned into the greatest love story of my life. And I thank God each and everyday for you. For making you for your Daddy and I. For making you perfect for us. A lifetime of thanks isnt enough for your amazing gift to us. Even when the road gets twisted, and days get tough, we are loving you Holden. Forever and ever.

A love letter for you on your 2nd birthday from your Umma

Dearest Holden,

This weekend you turned two years old. 

You got up by yourself this morning, and didnt wake Umma and Appa. Instead, you played with your toys all by yourself. A sign you are already growing up. 

When I look at your face, I see the years ahead of you. And, I see the years it took to make you mine. 

When I see your eyes smile when you laugh, I feel a explosion in my heart. Like tiny fireworks bouncing around, burning with the flame of love. 

When I watch you play and discover something new, I feel refreshed with my own sense of wonder. You help me remember what's important in life, and what isn't. 

When I see you share and use your manners, I am reminded of how much your foster mother must have cared about you. I am reminded of the very important role she played in your very early life. And, I am thankful. 

When I watch you sleep, I stare at your beautiful, full lips and supple skin.I brush my fingers through your gorgeous, thick black hair. And, I thank God. I thank him for making you, just for me. Perfect, precious, breathtaking you. 

When I see you love, I am in awe. You hug, you kiss, you give and you understand hurt. 

Baby boy, you are truly wonderful. You are the joy of your Umma and Appa's days. We will never take your love for granted. For the rest of our lives, we will show you how much you are appreciated...how much you are loved. How you were a long-awaited wish come true. I can't wait for you to read this letter one day. 

I love you. 

Happy Birthday Holden Jae-Min Hubbard. 

Can't believe it's almost over!!!

In just over 2 weeks, Holden and I will re-enter the "real" world.
I will go back to work, and he will start preschool!

This means, he has been home for just over 6 weeks! I often look at him and wonder, "hasn't he been with me forever?"

Holden is growing and changing so much. He has several English words he uses now including:
-No
-Uh oh
-baby
-hot
-night night
-bye
-hi

He is really into mimicking what we do right now. If we take a deep breath, so does he. If we yawn, he does too! It is pretty hilarious. He is also a tremendous FLIRT! He prefers old men and young girls! HAHA!

And, now here comes my "mommy" moment.

While I am thrilled for him to start school, I worry. I have a very protective nature toward him for many reasons. Because I am his mother, I want to hold him close and protect him always. It will be so hard for me to drop him off for 9 hours a day since we've been spending nearly every minute of every day as a couple.

As promised to myself in my New Year's resolution, I'm looking at this positively though. I think school will help him mature a little. He will gain patience, social exploration and a sense of self. But, I still hope he misses his Umma, cause I am going to miss him more than I can explain.

You know, everyone told me I would forget how long the wait was for him to come home was. People said, it would be a distant memory. But, all along I knew I would never forget.

I still think back to 2 months ago all the time. And, I remember how much it hurt to think about him, cause we didn't know when we would get the call that he would be joining his forever family.

I had bad dreams nearly every night leading up to that call. I lost 10 pounds, and had headaches all the time.

Then the call came, and he was home.

Sure, we are dealing with a new set of challenges now. Toddler fits, bedtime woes and busy, busy boy stuff!!

But, I won't ever forget how hard it was to wait for him. I can't ever forget that sense of longing and love. The pain was overwhelming. However, as a result, my soul already had a place for Holden.

Almost like a tiny, soft net laced into my heart, just waiting for him to rest there. Now my heart feels full. Sometimes, I'm sure I feel it swelling with love. It is so exciting, and breathtaking. It does make me wonder if Holden really was made just for us.

And, I wonder, does every parent feel this lucky? I will never take this blessing for granted. EVERY bit of it was worth it.

xoxo,
Sarah

Funny Little Guy

There's only so much you can ever prepare yourself for from letters, written doctor's examinations, pictures, or even videos before meeting your son. Sure, I could see that he was healthy and seemingly outgoing. I knew Holden was pint-sized, had an infectious smile, had thin and wispy hair and was being taken care of by his foster family.

But, in one week, I have learned more than an entire year of reports, videos and pictures could ever illustrate.

Here's a few of my favorites:

--Little Dude is a Susie Homemaker. His favorite thing to do is pretend he's sweeping the floor with the Swiffer. Sarah even gave him his own Tupperware bowl, spatula, sponge and traveler's mug. He'll pretend to mix a concoction in the Tupperware, then "taste" the spatula, then "clean" them all with the sponge. Screw the football or the stuffed animals, he'd just assume play with mommy's "toys." He even turned the Tupperware bowl into a helmet last night. He also has his own cellphone, non-functioning of course. 

--On the other hand, he's an excellent architect. I'm by no means a childhood development expert, but I can't imagine most 21-month-olds can stack wood blocks 12 high. Even more, he'll stack and organize them two-by-two and three-by-three, or he'll separate them by color. And he puts them evenly back in their tray. I imagine he'll be excellent at puzzles. 

--He already figured out how to take the back off the TV remote where the batteries are contained, he can open doors and he even presses the power button on the TV on an off. (Actually, the last one isn't very amusing.) 

--Remember the old plastic cash register from the 70s and 80s that we all had when we were kids? The one with red, yellow and blue coins that slide in slots and come out as change on the side or inside a till drawer as a sale? Sarah still has hers, and Holden has already figured out which slots they go in and how to get them back out. 

--He's pretty independent. Leave your shoes laying out, and he'll put his own feet in them and walk. He likes to put his socks on himself, he brushes his own teeth and loves bath time, just not rinsing his hair when the water gets in his face. He loves to put lotion on his hands and face. He will take the cap off the stick of chapstick, rub the chapstick on his lips, put the cap back on, then repeat the process over and over. 

--He's quickly learned how to give a high-five and fist bump. Last night, he loved clinking his sippy cup with my glass and "cheers." He's a little overzealous and forceful, however. He needs to be more careful or he might break the glass of the person he is toasting. 

--He knows no English, and our Korean is limited to a half dozen words. But he's quickly picked up "Daddy," "No," and  "Thank You." 

--We knew he had a favorite cartoon, "Pororo the Little Penguin" in Korea, but he quickly latched on to "Thomas and Friends." 

--His laugh is adorable. If it weren't true in his case, it would be an awful Asian stereotype, but when he giggles he covers his high-pitched laughter with both hands. 

--His idea of dancing is pivoting in a circle. He also uses his TV remote as a microphone. His musical talents more closely resemble mine than of Sarah's. Enough said. 

--His only difficulties so far have been his clinging to Sarah and his adjustment to a different sleep schedule. But he has the most peculiar sleep habits. He's a thumbsucker, but that's not the weird part. He also tucks his other free hand under his chin. It's always right thumb sucked and left hand tucked. But about half the time he also sleeps in a crouched or crawl position on his knees and belly.

And that's just a snapshot of his uniqueness. I'm sure we'll learn even more about him in the coming weeks, and we look forward to each of you meeting him.

Home & Heart

Well, Holden Jae Hubbard has been home a total of 5 days now. And, yet sometimes it feels like he has been here for months. And, sometimes, just for minutes.

Travis and I can't really put into words the feelings we have had over the past week. What I can tell you is watching my son be strolled out of customs in the San Fran airport was one of the most precious moments of my life. Seeing his sweet, chubby face and whispy hair brought instant tears to me eyes.

The first night in the hotel, I took a risk and asked Holden to give me a "bobo" which is kiss in Korean. And, he looked at me for a minute, and pushed his sweet lips into my face. I was in love.

This week we haven't done much outside of getting up, playing, eating and sleeping. We are trying to keep his world small for a few days. But, tomorrow, he will meet his Grandma and Grandpa Hubbard for the second time. I hope he takes well to the experience. It will be so special.

Holden is a loving, affectionate, funny child. He loves to cuddle and hug. He loves to study things, and put things together. He loves to be nosy and curious. He loves playing outside and playing with blocks. He is VERY smart, and keeps us on our toes!! He also has a little temper when he doesn't get his way!

But perhaps my most favorite thing right now is how he calls my name...he calls me "umma" which means Mommy in Korean. And, I must admit that when I leave the room, and I hear his little voice say "Umma?", my heart melts. I kind of want him to say it a hundred times.

Isn't that a beautiful story?? I mean seriously. I couldn't CARE LESS that my son wasn't born of my stomach. It means so little. What matters is of the heart, and the way he makes me feel. What matters is the way we love him, and the way we make his world so perfect. Goodness, I love him so much.I know there will be hard times, and frustrating times. I know my patience will be tested because it already has. But, there have already been so many wonderful moments.

And, for the rest of my life, I will thank God for this most precious of gifts. That this boy's life and love was given to Travis and I. We are the ones who get this. And, how very special that is.

We love you Holden. And, we can't wait to see the joys you bring to our lives.

The Time Has Come...Holden is Coming Home

For the past two mornings I have awoke to the sun breaking it's light through my window, and into my eyes. 

And just as I try to focus my vision on that perfect light...I remember. Just like a dream you have at night that something happened, but then you wake up and seconds later come to reality. 

I remember, I come to the reality. Our precious prince is coming home. 

The feelings of love I have experienced inside of myself the past few days have humbled me. I am sure now that God gives these feelings to all new mothers. Feelings for your child of deep wonder, protection and love. The gut calling to nurture and know all they are about. To learn the lines in their skin, and the meaning in their cries. To memorize the many looks their eyes can give and discover the many faces they can master and make.  To know in your heart that times are about to be tough. Times are about to be flipped upside down. Times are about to be new and amazing too. 

And, I find myself scared. I find myself asking for patience and peace. I find myself having to push back on our families (who have nothing but love to give) and their eagerness to get to know their grandson, nephew and cousin. Because at first, Holden will need time to just know his new surroundings. He will need a moment to learn his new home, new smells, new sights, and new Mommy and Daddy. 

In short: Holden is a long-awaited dream for Travis & I. And, I know things won't be perfect. I am expecting hard times, and joyous moments. But, I hope in time I can say with complete conviction that I know I was meant to be Holden's Mommy. 

In a short 72 hours, I will touch my son for the first time. I will have our first skin on skin contact since I met him in a picture 13 months ago. I can see the shine of tears glisten in his eyes, and smell him. I can squeeze him, and then pinch myself to make sure this is REAL. His cry will sound like the most beautiful song I have ever heard. His laugh might send me over the edge with happiness. 

Thank you all so much for your support. We know Holden has a lot of friends and family who can't wait to meet him. Something tells me his entire world will be wrapped in layers of love. And, he can peel them back one by one. 

As I close this post, I wanted to share something special. My Mom (Alice) had a dream about Holden nearly a year ago. In the middle of the night, she got up and wrote down the words that came to her. Here they are. I get chills every time I read them. 

"We thought our music had all played out. 
Then, she told us there might be miracle. 
A new song, just born...one we can shout about!
Love has made a lullaby. 
A sweet and beautiful song to our hearts. 
Jae-Min." 

xoxo,
Sarah 

The Things I Never Knew

As we approach Holden's Homecoming date (within the next 38 days to be exact), there are many thoughts that cross my mind. Some that feel good, and overwhelm me with so much emotion. And, some, that still made me sad, stir my soul. And others, I will never forget.

Just over 2 years ago, Travis and I began the adoption process. We filled out a lot of paperwork, paid two $50 fees and asked a few questions regarding adoption domestically and internationally. We went into the process so green. Our spirits were glowing bright with the thoughts of bringing a child into our lives.

We knew we'd just fill out some paperwork, borrow the money we needed, and bring home a babe! SIMPLE AS THAT.

Well, you know what happens next. It was never easy.

From being denied because of my diabetes by several agencies, to being chosen over to another family for the domestic adoption we applied for. From being told we'd bring home a baby from Korea within 4-6 months, to being told it could be 6-8 months. Then, realizing it's going to be more than a year.

From trying to explain why we wanted to adopt (which feels terrible, since you never have to explain why you want to get pregnant!!) to educating our families on adoption. From dealing with petty comments from those who were simply too jealous of us and our happiness to be excited for us, to relishing in happy comments from those true friends who have showered us with positive thoughts.

From dealing with ignorance ( I once had someone tell me they always wanted to bring home a little black baby! REALLY??!) to feeling blessed by those who just "get it." Those who wrote me notes of encouragement, and shared stories of experience. And you WOULD NOT believe the ignorance of some people!!

I honestly NEVER knew how strong I was. I never knew how much $hit I could put up with, and how much spirit was stirring in my soul...ready to fight to protect, love and bring home my child.

Adoption is amazing. Adoption is hard. Adoption is love. Adoption is a vow of strength. Adoption is a mirror to the soul. Adoption is heart. Adoption, next to living with diabetes, is the most challenging thing I have ever done, and nearly completed. And, I am sure, Adoption will be one of the great journeys of my life.
A story who's map will trace the lines of my face, and grow in the heart of my Holden as the years go by. A story that I will be telling for years to come, with depth and soul.

And, as fiercely as we have braved this journey, I know we have many more paths to clear.
Holden will need time to adjust, as will we. But, we pray our souls are in for the matching. And, that our hearts were made for one another.

Our SON will be home in 38 days or less. Oh, the stories we have to tell him. His story is not simple, but it is so beautiful. His story does not begin with a pregnancy, and end with a birth. No.

His story has many pages, chapters and volumes. Some that have already been written, and others that are being told right now. Some pages are still blank, waiting in the wings for the ink to dry.

His life will be that of adventure, variety and history. He will always have a story to tell.

And so will we.

xoxo,
Sarah